jewit

tender surprise

2007-12-09T18:14:00.000+08:00

today was a good day. because a friend showed up at my door, just when i needed one most.

being blunt

2007-11-21T07:35:00.000+08:00

who was i kidding?

i was ready to change my perspective. that some guys are not jerks.

stupid move.

it's back to basics. no one is man enough to be my man.

we did it again...

2007-11-12T13:42:00.000+08:00

how did i enjoy my weekend, let me count the ways:

1. snorkelling in Pescador Island and Basdaku.
2. singing 80's hits on a jukebox-like videoke.
3. gulping down very cold red horse beer while dancing like mad and drenching in sweat on a P20-entrance-fee-disco dancefloor.
4. getting tipsy-bordering-drunk thereafter.
5. staring at the skies on a starry night at the beach.
6. catching 10 falling stars.
7. winning two bets with matt.
8. watching maritess vs. the super friends on youtube on the same beach.
9. walking in the rain on the way to kawasan falls =)
10. playing with the big rocks and the gushing water (with very strong current) on the falls.
11. jake treating us to dinner at don henrico's.

and a few more things:

1. jeri's trademark laughs.
2. rezza's trying-hard imitation of those laughs.
3. kara's super green punchlines.
4. lilah making sure we are safe and well-fed amidst all the laughters.
5. tintin quietly and sometimes-not-so-quietly watching all the commotion.
6. gm stirring clear from all the commotion.
7. jovanih and the lolo jokes.
8. jake's own version of rezza's imitation laughs.
9. guy bickering with me every chance he gets.
10. doods taking pictures.
11. matt heading the mean team.
12. atan na ta! (right tan?)
13. me and everything else...

who says summertime can't happen in november?

=)

p.s. special thank you to kara for giving us another dose of the life of the haciendera's guests.

pictures later.

*winks*

love fool

2007-11-07T13:30:00.000+08:00

according to that atomic kitten song, love doesnt have to hurt to feel good.

this is definitely not that. i sure am hurting right now. anyway i look at it only hurts. and the more i look at it, all the more the hurt becomes real.

=(

remember my name - shame

2007-10-12T04:02:00.000+08:00

its a shame how you engage in an ardent conversation to try and convince a person to live more when you are hardly living the life you want to live.

its an equal shame to be an advocate of laughing your way through life when all you want to do is cry till you're all spent.

its a great shame how people would easily think of running to you when they are in trouble and you can run to no one during your most intense troubles.

its a shame that the only person who can see through you is the same person you want to hide away from.

its just a shame to be surrounded with lovers on rocky relationships and be relieved you aren't in one but actually feel like you'd rather be in an intense, crazy, elating mess than drag yourself through the drudgery of your lonely-for-too-long-now life.

how dreadfully shameful it is to enjoy hooking up with a great guy and realize early on he's not what you want but you still want him nevertheless (gotta grab his heart till it breaks, like how that "Fame" song goes).

its a terrible shame to be happy that you're finally over an old love because its actually sad to be in an i-love-no-one state.

its an ugly shame to try so hard to find your way back to love and blabber too much about it when deep inside you know you've already had too much.

its an amazing shame how you finally try to reach out once again only to be grilled about being absent for so long (can't anyone have some space anymore?)

its a cruel shame how you try so hard to go out less and sleep some more only to feel restless when you hit the bed early.

he is mistaken. i do not oppose him just for the heck of it, or because i love to retaliate at whatever he has to say.

i find myself agreeing pretty much with his contentions. in fact, im slowly finding myself in his shoes. but i CAN'T just agree. i have to stop turning myself into one of them.

that will be a shining, shimmering, splendid shame.

if that hasn't happened yet.

shame. shame. shame.

spell revenge

2007-09-26T05:38:00.000+08:00

how long have i been gone here?

long enough to make me miss ranting my heart out on this page i guess.

long enough to make me realize while reading my older entries how much i've changed and learned the whole time i kept mum about my stuff.

long enough to actually make me yearn to connect to my cheesy-dorky-nerdy-crazy virtual self again.

long enough for people (who only read the nomad to get updated with whats happening to me) to wonder if i am still cheesy-dorky-nerdy-crazy.

i have got to come back.

back to where i can actually type, read and re-read what i make out of this unwritten bogus.

life is hard. and interesting. and chaotic. fun. hilarious. unpredictable. boring. exhilirating. crazy.

i have soooo many stories to tell.

watch out world.

i am back. (was i ever gone anyway? =p)

revenge is sweet.

when the wrong feels right

2007-07-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

the person who cheats with you will cheat on you

i forgot when i stumbled over this phrase and from whom i actually heard this first but it has stuck in my mind eversince. not only was i scorned by a cheating lover, i also somehow noticed that yes, this holds a lot of truth.

i grew up regarding relationships as something a person should put in a pedestal in life. and cheating is like a grave sin one will suffer stereotyping upon all his life. (i am using the male pronoun as they're usually the ones who are polygamous).

time and again, i've told people that i am a simple girl, idealistic but simple yes, who wants simple things. but as it turned out, i've proven to be a complicated bunch of happenings. i never thought my complicated, fairy-tale-like love story would end up in a tragic telenobela like ending- with me crying in the end over a third party.

i have to admit that many times when i cry at night, i loathed her and deep in my heart i wished to be avenged. but miraculously, i survived holding my head up without giving in to my raw urge to claw my nails on her on every possible ways i could scheme and create in my head.

although time has served many lessons of all that happened among all of us, i never thought i'd find myself in her shoes.

i have no logical explanations on what i am feeling. except the fact that i am overwhelmed that i am still capable of feeling it after a long time, and after being burned so many times in the relationship department.

i have no intention of fighting it too. and to some observant people, it is not hard to figure me out (and I don't intend to deny, I am freaking 25 this year!). but this i am sure - i will not be a cause of the same heartbreak i suffered to someone else.

so if you catch me wearing my heart on my sleeves, that is me being the girl i loathed for a long time, and that is me learning my lesson not to judge her again...and until i learn to accept the fact that i can never be her, that i will not be a third party ever, i will continue to make sense of this feeling.

come to think of it, most guys i've had close encounters with has had girlfriends. im getting sick of getting rid of them. its about time i attract "straight" guys (by straight, i mean brave men who actually fight off their polygamous-tendencies-heck-of-an-excuse) this time.

this *song feels good and "kilig"

*I don’t know why but when I look in your eyes
I feel something that seems so right
You’ve got yours I’ve got mine
I think I’m losing my mind
Coz I shouldn’t feel this way
Catch me I’m falling for you
And I don’t know what to do

How can something so wrong
Feels so right all along?
Catch me I’m falling for you

How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me I’m falling for you

How can love let it grow
When it has no place to go
And I can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me i’m falling for you ooh ooh

If I could just walk away
Without you floating today
I would die just thinking of you
I know we can’t therefore be more than friends you and me
But why do I feel this way

Catch me I’m falling for you
And I don’t know what to do

How can something so wrong?
Feels so right all along
Catch me i’m falling for you

How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me I’m falling you

Maybe someday I’ll see why love did this to me
Coz I can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me I’m falling for you
Catch me I’m falling for you

And it’s wrong for me to feel this way
Coz I don’t know what to do without you
I’m falling for you
Catch me I’m falling for you

How can something so wrong?
Feels so right all along
Catch me I’m falling for you

but this **phrase is more divine:

**At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

* Toni Gonzaga- Catch Me I'm Falling
** Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

let the pain be

2007-06-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

there is much to be said about pain and hurting.

in a generation of pain relievers, anesthesia and euthanasia, pain is not only a culprit to be hated but a condition we all want to evade and hope never to experience again.

i have strong tolerance to pain. which means i only recognize it in high intensity. and although it may seem like a cool disposition, i actually wish i am more sensitive to pain so i can detect it when it is still slightly throbbing. people like me, according to the scientific community are prone to complicated diseases like cancer, since we only detect the body's complaints when its condition is already at its worse.

but no matter how complicated or minimal we experience pain, it serves a purpose. whether it is a reminder to take care of ourselves more or to let us know something's wrong, it is not a villain but a friend in disguise. whatever it serves for, and however it manifests, we have to understand that we don't need to know the why's and how's while we are experiencing it. we only need to know that it doesnt last forever.

and that we need to embrace it, let it grip our body, endure it for as long as we could so we can let it go gracefully. sometimes it would take the world around us to notice what's wrong. and the world will serve us what we need for us to get through.

because believe it or not, even if it takes years- pain subsides. we have to let it serve its time and stop holding on to it by either fighting it or magnifying it.

then only can we recognize the purpose it served.

pain makes us make bad decisions; fear of pain makes us make even worse ones.
-House, MD

beauty as the beast

2007-05-14T15:13:00.000+08:00

it has been a while since my last post...i left you all with the meantime girl status, and though i can tell you that much of me has changed in such a short time, the meantime girl me has whacked me with a big bang.

the oracle in the movie 300 was said to be cursed. she was beautiful you see, and they have to make justice to the line "her beauty is her curse". i have to digress though. the oracle was lucky. her beauty saved her from the cruel lashes of time and experience (or the lack thereof), and she was always communing with the divine.

i am touched that some really concerned people would lavish and slap me with affirmations. and if you really insist on optimism, i suggest you stop reading this post right here.

let me define how beauty is really a curse.

some think that good-looking people are the luckier ones. that they get all the attention, admirers, praises, ravishing partners and greater opportunities. what a powerful message of the media.

i am a firm believer in christina aguilera's "i am beautiful no matter what they say" line. you see, i didnt realize i am a late bloomer. i didnt get all the attention, praises, ravishing admirers and turn opportunities my way with the flip of my hair and the bat of my eyes.

and that is where ignorance pushed curiosity to kill the cat.

all these are new to me. and most times i would just laugh at all the attention and all the bluffs men throw my way. until this highschool heartthrob joined the list.

i do not know him much. he doesnt even know my real name. and its better it stayed that way. so that i wont have to be reminded that to him i was just a pretty face and a trophy he won.

so to all the guys who might have been insulted at my laughing at your compliments- okay, sorry, i believe you now.

i just wish you would look beyond my colored hair, my slim figure, my pimple-free face and fair skin so that you, can instead, laugh at my jokes, discuss the books we can read together, watch shrek 3 with me, do researches together, watch the sunset together, order jollibee value meals with me, talk to me about incomes, take me to the beach and so many things we can do without my having to put my make-up on.

that's how beauty can be a curse. it would take a smart eye to really figure it out. and most of the time, people only use the eye, and skip the smart part.

yes, i committed that mistake myself.

The Meantime Girl

2007-04-04T14:34:00.000+08:00

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable ? she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs ? she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.

take five

2007-03-27T20:52:00.000+08:00

What are five things you have done that you didn’t know you’d be able to?

1. master a declamation piece during grade school (without a trainer) and place in the school contest
2. dance jazz and hiphop and become champ in the regional competition
3. graduate with honors while singing in a band in the university
4. work at night (at it for 3 years now) *im a morning person*
5. get in the MA program (inclusive of number 4)

What are five things you’re not sure you could do but would like to?

1. live in europe (france, germany, rome and ireland)
2. drive (bike, motorcycle, car, plane, train, etc etc)
3. swim unaided (in an olympics pool, lake, sea, ocean etc etc)
4. write a book
5. teach in preschool

sembreak

2007-03-22T02:23:00.000+08:00

the sem is over. and i will be gone from school for a while.

i will miss it...in fact, i already do =(

first forgive the silence

2007-03-07T02:51:00.000+08:00

First forgive the silence
That answers prayer,
Then forgive the prayer
That stains the silence.

Excuse the absence
That feels like presence,
Then excuse the feeling
That insists on presence.

Pardon the delay
Of revelation,
Then ask pardon for revealing
Your impatience.

Forgive God
For being only a word,
Then ask God to forgive
The betrayal of language.

*Mark Jarman

music and lyrics

2007-03-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

*OST - Music and Lyrics

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

2007-02-28T02:44:00.000+08:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

E.E. Cummings

avowal

2007-02-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

Matrimony

You were born together and together you will be when the white wings of death end your days because you will remain united in the silent memory of God.

But let there be room between the two. Let the wind of the skies pass through your bodies.

Love, but do not turn love into bondage.

Let one of you fill the other's glass, but may you never drink from the same glass.

Sing and dance, be happy, but let each of you keep your independence; the cords of the lute are single, although they resound to the same music.

Surrender your heart, but not for the other to possess - because only the hand of Life can hold full hearts.

Be together, but not too together - because the pillars of a temple are separated.

The oak does not grow in the shadow of the cypress, and the cypress cannot grow in the shadow of the oak.

Love

When love calls, accept its call, even if the road is rough and difficult.

And when your wings open up, surrender yourselves, even if the spade that lies there hidden ends up wounding one of you.

And when love says something, believe it, even if its voice destroys your dreams like the Northern wind devastates the gardens.

Because love glorifies and crucifies. It makes the branches grow and then trims them. It crushes men until they are flexible and docile. It burns them in divine fire so that they can convert into sacred bread to be served at God's banquet.

However, if you are afraid and want to find in love only peace and pleasure, better that you stay away from the door and seek some other world where you will be able to laugh but without any joy, and cry but without using up all your tears.

Love gives nothing and asks for nothing besides itself. Love neither possesses nor is possessed - because it suffices to itself.

And do not try to direct its course - because love thinks that you are worthy, it will lead you to where you have to go.

Khalil Gibran
The Prophet

believing in the impossible

2007-02-23T00:42:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it - says Alice.

Can't believe it? - the Queen repeats with a sad look on her face.

Try again: take a deep breath, close your eyes, and believe.

Alice laughs:

It's no good trying. Only fools believe that impossible things can happen.

I think what you need is a little training - answers the Queen.
When I was your age I would practice at least half an hour a day, right after breakfast, I tried very hard to imagine five or six unbelievable things that could cross my path, and today I see that most of the things I imagined have turned real, I even became a Queen because of that."

Lewis Carroll
Alice through the Looking Glass

Organizing the Quest

2007-02-19T20:53:00.000+08:00

Conscious faith is freedom.
Instinctive faith is slavery.
Mechanical faith is madness.
Conscious hope is strength.
Emotional hope is cowardice.
Mechanical hope is sickness.
Conscious love arouses love.
Emotional love arouses the unexpected.
Mechanical love arouses hate.

"Many emotions move the human heart when it decides to dedicate itself to the spiritual path. This may be a "noble" reason – like faith, love of our neighbor, or charity. Or it may be just a whim, the fear of loneliness, curiosity, or the fear of death. None of that matters. The true spiritual path is stronger than the reasons that led us to it and little by little it imposes itself with love, discipline and dignity. A moment arrives when we look backwards, remember the beginning of our journey, and laugh at ourselves. We have managed to grow, although we traveled the path for reasons that were very futile."

"How do I know at least that I am traveling this path with love and dignity?"

"God uses loneliness to teach us about living together. Sometimes he uses anger so that we can understand the infinite value of peace. At other times he uses tedium, when he wants to show us the importance of adventure and leaving things behind.

"God uses silence to teach us about the responsibility of what we say. At times he uses fatigue so that we can understand the value of waking up. At other times he uses sickness to show us the importance of health.

"God uses fire to teach us about water. Sometimes he uses earth so that we can understand the value of air. And at times he uses death when he wants to show us the importance of life."
"And what do we do about the feeling of guilt that we all share?"

"At one of the most tragic moments of the Crucifixion, one of the thieves noticed that the man dying beside him was the Son of God. 'Lord, remember me when You are in Heaven', said the thief. 'In truth, today you shall be with me in Heaven', answered Jesus, turning a bandit into the first saint of the Catholic Church: Saint Dimas.

"We don't know why Dimas was condemned to death. The Bible tells us that he confessed his guilt and that he was crucified for the crimes he had committed. Let us suppose that he did something cruel, awful enough to end his life in that fashion; yet, even so, in his final minutes of life, he was redeemed - and glorified - by an act of faith.

"Remember this example when for some reason you feel unable to continue on your path."

Paolo Coelho
Warrior of the Light

loving with all your...brain

2007-02-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

*MRI scans show activity in caudate area of the brain at the sight of one's beloved
* When you're in love, the caudate area is flooded with dopamine, a pleasure chemical
*Researcher: "Exactly the same system becomes active as when you take cocaine"

By studying MRI brain scans of people newly in love, scientists are learning a lot about the science of love: Why love is so powerful, and why being rejected is so horribly painful.

The scientists found that the caudate area of the brain -- which is involved in cravings -- became very active. Another area that lit up: the ventral tegmental, which produces dopamine, a powerful neurotransmitter that affects pleasure and motivation.

Dr. Brown said scientists believe that when you fall in love, the ventral tegmental floods the caudate with dopamine. The caudate then sends signals for more dopamine.

"The more dopamine you get, the more of a high you feel," Dr. Brown says.

Or as her colleague, Dr. Helen Fisher put it: When you fall in love, "exactly the same system becomes active as when you take cocaine. You can feel intense elation when you're in love. You can feel intense elation when you're high on cocaine."

"We now have physiological data that suggests there are different brain systems for sex and love," says Dr. Fisher.

At some point, the two do become linked. People in love have elevated levels of dopamine. Lots of dopamine, in turn, triggers the production of testosterone, which is responsible for the sex drive in both men and women.

This helps explain why falling in love can make someone all of a sudden seem sexy.

In the end, Drs. Fisher and Brown say what they learned from lovers' brains is that romantic love isn't really an emotion -- it's a drive that's based deep within our brains, right alongside our urges to find food and water.

"This helps explain why we do crazy things for love," says Dr. Brown. "Why did Edward VIII give up the throne for Wallis Simpson? The systems that are built into us to find food and water are the things that were also active when he renounced the throne of England."

Now their research is centered on the flip side of love. They've recruited college students who'd just been rejected by their sweethearts. Again, the scientists performed MRI's while these students looked at photos of the objects of their affection.

This time, the results were different, Dr. Brown says. The insular cortex, the part of the brain that experiences physical pain, became very active.

"People came out of the machine crying," she said. "We won't be doing that experiment again for a long time."

read full article here

it makes more sense now why i need to get away from you. although you bring about a good amount of endorphins, you trigger too much cortisol...

three's and karma

2007-02-15T02:09:00.000+08:00

i went to see a feng shui master and he told me these:

1. i was supposed to become a flight stewardess
2. i was called to serve as a nun (supposedly i was to join the congregation of st. therese of the carmelites)
3. i am prone to attract married men

this is my logical interpretation of the vibes he must've gotten from me:

1. i love to fly (literally and figuratively). i love to travel and i love to see new places.
2. i live near the carmelite church. and i have an inclination to excel in the helping profession.

now, number 3 i cannot logically explain. in fact, i have not, in my wildest dreams, ever entertained to get myself entangled in a messy married triangle (or whatever form of love triangle), where i am the perpetrator.

but betchabygollywow...attention married men who-the-feng-shui-master-thinks-are-attracted-to-me --> thou shall not stain my well-honed karma of being a good lover!

bow.

lovachuvachuva

2007-02-10T03:39:00.000+08:00

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
-Mahatma Gandhi-

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-H. L. Mencken-

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
-Henry David Thoreau-

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
-Charles M. Schulz, (Charlie Brown in "Peanuts")-

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-Iris Murdoch-

The first duty of love is to listen.
-Paul Tillich-

He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

You can't love anyone until you understand that you can't love everyone.
I don't think anyone can DO anything that would make him worthy of love. Love is a gift and cannot be earned. It can only be given.
-Real Live Preacher-

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
-Jeanne Moreau-

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
-Hugh Elliott-

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-Rabbi Julius Gordon-

Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
-William Blake-

A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.
-Paul Bourget-

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
-Francois De La Rochefoucauld-

Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
-Curtis Judalet-

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.
-Lisa Hoffman-

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so forlornly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love.
-Sigmund Freud-

Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite in it until it's ripe.
-Nick Hertl-

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end.
-Benjamin Disraeli-

Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence. In her first passion, a woman loves her lover, in all the others all she loves is love.
-Lord Byron-

Love talked about is easily turned aside, but love demonstrated is irresistible.
-Stan Mooneyham-

why

2007-02-08T04:51:00.000+08:00

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I dont know why

quick laugh

2007-01-30T00:33:00.000+08:00

his rose

2007-01-29T21:39:00.000+08:00

The little prince went away,
to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said.
"As yet you are nothing."
No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one.
You are like my fox when I first knew him.
He was only a fox
like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But I have made a friend,
and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on.
"One could not die for you.
To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think
that my rose looked just like you
--the rose that belongs to me.
But in herself alone she is more important
than all the hundreds of you
other roses: because it is she that I have watered;
because it is she
that I have put under the glass globe;
because it is for her
that I have killed the caterpillars
(except the two or three we saved
to become butterflies);
because it is she that I have listened to,
when she grumbled,
or boasted,
or even sometimes when she said nothing.
Because she is MY rose."

- From "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

knowing me = knowing you

2007-01-27T04:10:00.000+08:00

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend or your colleague.

If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that someday these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right - for me.

To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, reserve and even nurture those differences.

-Excerpts from Please Understand Me II by David West Keirsey-

Prayer for 2007

2007-01-25T19:55:00.000+08:00

Lord, last year was a painful, exhilirating, messy, fun-filled and revealing year to me.

i know i have consistent whines and complains that never run out.

but this year, i would like to take "claiming Your power within me" to a different level by a conscious and full conviction of taking care of these gifts You've generously blessed me with:

1. my relationship with You
2. my family
3. my friends
4. my job
5. my dreams
6. my inspirations
7. the child within me
8. the love i found and the love i have for your creation that allow me to understand and be at peace with myself, the universe and You.

Thank You - for all these are the wind beneath my wings so that soaring, be it high or low, will always be a pleasure and an honor as my soul bask in Your beauty, Your mysterious ways and Your profound love.

let it be known - so the universe will remind me should i forget of or go astray from this mission.

i remain at your disposal for the greater purpose of life.

AMEN.

the cloud and the sand dune

2007-01-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

"As everyone knows, the life of a cloud is very busy and very short," writes Bruno Ferrero. And here's a related story.

A young cloud was born in the midst of a great storm over the Mediterranean Sea, but he did not even have time to grow up there, for a strong wind pushed all the clouds over towards Africa.

As soon as the clouds reached the continent, the climate changed. A bright sun was shining in the sky and, stretched out beneath them, lay the golden sands of the Sahara. Since it almost never rains in the desert, the wind continued pushing the clouds towards the forests in the south.

Meanwhile, as happens with young humans too, the young cloud decided to leave his parents and his older friends in order to discover the world.

"What are you doing?" cried the wind. "The desert's the same all over. Rejoin the other clouds, and we'll go to Central Africa where there are amazing mountains and trees!"

But the young cloud, a natural rebel, refused to obey, and, gradually, he droppped down until he found a gentle, generous breeze that allowed him to hover over the golden sands. After much toing and froing, he noticed that one of the dunes was smiling at him.

He saw that the dune was also young, newly formed by the wind that had just passed over. He fell in love with her golden hair right there and then.

"Good morning," he said. "What's life like down there?"

"I have the company of the other dunes, of the sun and the wind, and of the caravans that occasionally pass through here. SOmetimes it's really hot, but it's still bearable. What's life like up there?"

"We have the sun and wind too, but the good thing is that I can travel across the sky and see more things."

"For me," said the dune, "life is short. When the wind returns from the forests, I will disappear."

"And does that make you sad?"

"It makes me feel I have no purpose in life."

"I feel the same. As soon as another wind comes along, I'll go south and be transformed into rain; but that is my destiny."

The dune hesitated for a moment, then said:

"Did you know that here in the desert, we call the rain paradise?"

"I had no idea I could ever be that important," said the cloud proudly.

"I've heard the other older dunes tell stories about the rain. They say that, after the rain, we are all covered with grass and flower. But I'll never experience that, because in the desert it rains so rarely."

It was the cloud's turn to hesitate now. Then he smiled broadly and said:

"If you like, I could rain on you now. I know I've only got here, but I love you, and I'd like to stay here for ever."

"When I first saw you up in the sky, I fell in love with you too," said the dune. "But if you transform your lovely white hair into rain, you will die."

"Love never dies," said the cloud. "It is transformed, and, besides, I want to show you what paradise is like."

And he began to caress the dune with little drops of rain, so that they could stay together for longer, until a rainbow appeared.

The following day, the little dune was covered in flowers. Other clouds that passed over, heading for Africa, thought that it must be part of the forest they were looking for and scattered more rain. Twenty years later, the dune had been transformed into an oasis that refreshed travellers with the shade of its trees.

And all because, one day, a cloud fell in love, and was not afraid to give his life for that love.

The Story of the Pencil

2007-01-20T03:36:00.000+08:00

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point, he asked: "Are you writing a story about what we've done? Is it a story about me?"

His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson: "I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I'm using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up".

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn't seem very special.

"But it's just like any other pencil I've ever seen!"

"That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world."

"First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and HE always guides us according to His will."

"Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person."

"Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice."

"Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wood, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you."

"Finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. In just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action."

*taken from Paulo Coelho's Like the Flowing River

humps on the road

2007-01-18T04:25:00.000+08:00

i used to be fond of telenovelas.

until i found my life sort-of becoming like one.

i admit im OA, corny, cheesy and all, but with the help of so many people's influence, i was made to see how a life with NO DRAMA is also a beautiful, colorful life.

but today, a shocking story of DRAMA shook and disputed my sense of comedy and action.

i am also an emotional sponge. i easily absorb people's feelings. maybe that's why im cheesy in the first place.

i have been playing the scene of betrayal and abomination in my head for hours. and it's funny because this news might actually be so yesterday for the people concerned but i can't help but freeze in disbelief. i can't believe there are actually people who are capable of wreaking havoc in other people's lives even when they are surrounded with and basking in love and nurturance. can't they just reciprocate, if not at least embrace it? why go out of their way and break the beautiful cycle?

i know i am the last person who has the right to even comment on the events. and i don't claim to be so righteous myself so i avoid judging others as much as possible. but what was done was so unthinkable, i can only shake my head in total disbelief.

we are all wounded by our past. but it is not an excuse to inflict pain on others or to ourselves just because a few imperfect persons hurt us before.

no child is entitled to become an abusive parent, even when he/she was abused in the past. no lover has the right to cheat just because he/she was cheated upon. in the same manner that a victim should not hide and withdraw to him/herself in expectation or anticipation of pain.

in a world full of victims and perpetrators- we only have two choices- we either carry on the cycle (as one or the other, or even both), or become an emblem of breaking free to others.

we are all victims of the past. and even if time can help obscure the monsters in our lives, we are all responsible of freeing ourselves from those chains- nobody else can do it for us.

and then of course, there's that footprints in the sand story. but we have to remember that in that story, the Lord did not walk alone carrying his son all the way. it started with two sets of footprints. we cannot just leave it to HIM unless we didn't have feet. we HAVE to try it on our own too.

CLICK

2007-01-16T02:08:00.000+08:00

this quagmire you got me into provokes my basic instinct of fight or flight.

i won't tell you what response i'll opt. i'll just do it.

just one thing- i am only taking after your lead. so be careful of where you're taking me.

you might be stuck with the consequence- this time it's for good.

i am not blabbering. we're not getting any younger.

i hope you comprehend

2007-01-12T03:29:00.000+08:00

i am a stranger to aux breaks because i hardly leave my cubicle once i settled down and started typing. but since today is the start of the ASEAN Summit (which is totally out of topic), and i want to blog, i will say hello to my aux break again (but i am not on aux anyways...just not typing away on emails and reports..weee)

i am listening to simply red's stars for the nth time because after endless searching, i finally got a copy of the song. thank you bu (if u can get to read this), u know who u r..sa uulitin! this is one of those songs in my childhood that has taken on a different significance simply because it weaves the element of repression into becoming undone. okay, i think i went overboard with words on that one..hahaha. it has become my song for now..upbeat, cheerful and happy sounding but is actually expressing a sad, wistful longing. simply red is a genius band.

try bo's brewed iced tea- the best...i think i can replace coffee now. hehe.

i am finished on my life span course report...finally, after many sleepless nights (and days)! and now my PC wont start up because it has sensed how im supposed to beat it with lagged assignments and term papers...*sigh* i need another PC technician, helping hand anyone?

i am sick again, after barely recovering from those killer coughs, i have colds now..somebody do something with the viruses in this place! (i mean that literally and figuratively).

my vacation was nostalgic and in a way regression-packed, sadly. after having gone through so many changes the past year, somehow i found out that in life's circle, you'll never get too far from where you started, you'll always go back, and round and round you go. do you know how depressing it can get when you think you've gone that far only to realize you weren't really moving significantly at all?

i am not complaining. just humbled. because on my own, i am small and dispensable. and after being through so much, the glory of achievement and pleasing others has numbed my senses. and going back inside, i was a hollow, empty kid deprived of a ride in the swing.

i miss serving my Master...every new year, i always find this truth glaring at me, magnified for all its worth. and there are still so many things i miss that i would have to do without because i am in that part of the circle where they just can't exist.

i have one good news though: i have mastered a recipe for dessert- leche flan.

and for that, i think there are still sweet things in life that are waiting to be unveiled and claimed. afterall, the miracle of me cooking (well..almost..hehe..) has already happened.

happy new year everyone!

before you go away again...

2007-01-08T20:39:00.000+08:00

Anyone who ever held you
Would tell you the way Im feeling
Anyone who ever wanted you
Would try to tell you what I feel inside
The only thing I ever wanted
Was the feeling that you aint faking
The only one you ever thought about
Wait a minute cant you see that i

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
I I feel you
I hope you comprehend

For the girl who tried to hurt you
She's explaining the way Im feeling
For all the jealousy I caused you
States the reason why Im trying to hide
As for all the things you taught me
It sends my future into clearer dimensions
Youll never know how much you hurt me
Stay a minute cant you see that i

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
I I feel you
I hope you comprehend

Too many hearts are broken
A lovers promise never came with a maybe
So many words are left unspoken
The silent voices are driving me crazy
As for all the pain you caused me
Making up could never be your intention
Youll never know how much you hurt me
Stay cant you see that i

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms
I I feel you
I hope you comprehend

*stars
simply red

shrek the third

2007-01-06T05:19:00.000+08:00

...and what's the one thing every fairy tale villain wants to know?

Prince Charming: You! You can't lie. Where is Shrek?
Pinocchio: Well...I..I.. don't know where he's not.
Prince Charming: You don't know where Shrek is?
Pinocchio: On the contrary...
Prince Charming: So you do know where he is?
Pinocchio: I'm positively more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be.. if that indeed he wasn't where he isnt!

hahaha..i love this movie already!

grey world

2007-01-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

"Well, what am i supposed to think?
He's like the king of mixed signals.
One day he can't stand me, the next day he can't get enough of me.
I just want someone who won't care that i never wear the perfect outfit.
That i'm incapable of staying,
still i can't grasp the concept of this and that
and that i refuse to be lady-like.
Someone who realizes that half the decision i make I'll regret,
and that i have the tendency to over react at any given moment.
I want someone who knows I'm completely insane
but he still wouldn't want me any other way."

-Grey's Anatomy

again

2007-01-05T22:31:00.000+08:00

absence is to love
what wind is to fire

it extinguishes the small
it enkindles the great

and thus is the horror
of unrequited love

on my own

2006-12-22T22:41:00.000+08:00

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

:-(

wish list

2006-12-20T23:15:00.000+08:00

1. go back to joining Mission Trips
2. sing in a band again
3. MA degree diploma
4. complete family portrait
5. fall in love again (and find true love once and for all)

and another surprise!

2006-12-06T03:27:00.000+08:00

getting a package hasn't lost its charms on me yet. and today, when i received what i purchased online (my first!), it felt like i was actually given a present.

the thrill totally overshadowed the relief!

this is totally out of topic but you should see cebu city right now, especially the site for the upcoming ASEAN summit. it's all dazzling and bright, there's just a whole sense of cheerfulness around it, despite the rummaging effects of traffic due to closure of roads (ceremonial routes). i wonder how sparkling christmas here would be? i can only stay to see the pre-christmas environment (i'll be going home to surigao, yey!), but i know it will be a sweet blast concluding hosting such a big event.

my favorite season of all time is here. my annual excitement has been put on hold due to many extra-curricular activities, but i can't wait to jump into the spirit full blast.

let's spread the love some more. merry christmas everyone! =)

today was a surprise

2006-12-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

not only because i've rediscovered my ability to sleep at night and wake up in the morning but because my partaking a little ounce of nostalgia made me bump onto fate.

i've wasted many days longing for that thing i thought i wanted. i kept feeding the desire because i knew i could never have it again. oh the thrill of drooling over what you can never have.

but apart from the fact that you can't lose what you never had, the emptiness it marks is unbearable because you have lost a great deal of space that longing has occupied.

*So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
And nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Well send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You dont need me back
You're just the best I ever had.

And it may take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I run away and hide
And I may find in time that you were always right
You're always right.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now, I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I dont want you back
You're just the best I ever had.

You're just the best I ever had.

today i discovered the dead-end. i knew it existed. i just didn't realize it was real.

but finding it was meant to be. it was the only way to make things right...

*Best I ever had
Vertical Horizon

laughter is the best revenge

2006-11-30T03:42:00.000+08:00

when everything else fails, and you still feel gloomy inside, i only have one advice- LAUGH!

hahahaha!

oh no!

2006-11-27T19:55:00.000+08:00

it is one thing to send a twin T in spelling my name.

but to post my pic in a supposedly community-based (bisdakpsych) blog, ayayayay...that's putting me on the *toink* spot...

oh well, might as well enjoy the *toink*spot ehhrr...light

but thanks to joswa for initiating the information drive. {kudos for not misspelling my last name by the way! (",)} the posts are big help, not to mention very enlightening..=)

doc henry's pic with the cake and the chandelier is gorgeous..*wink*wink

this is fun

2006-11-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

no comment...hahaha!

let me go

2006-11-23T23:42:00.000+08:00

one more kiss could be the best thing
or one more lie could be the worst
and all these thoughts are never resting
and you're not something I deserve

in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world there's real and make believe
and this seems real to me
and you love me but you don't know who I am
i'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
and you love me but you don't know who I am
so let me go, let me go

i dream ahead to what i hope for
and i turn my back on loving you
how can this love be a good thing
and i know what i'm going through

and no matter how hard i try
i can't escape these things inside
i know, i know
but all the pieces fall apart
you will be the only one who knows, who knows

you love me but you don't know who I am
i'm torn between this life i lead and where i stand
and you love me but you don't know who I am
so let me go
just let me go

*3 doors down

kaleidoscope world

2006-11-23T01:21:00.000+08:00

this new single (a remake of francis m' original by the 12 finalists) from the philippine idol album is out on the market. but i am not gonna talk about my disgust and protest over the tearjerker exit of pow from the competition today. (phil idol won't be the same without her sweet, angelic voice)

let me talk to you about how the world can be explained in circles.

and genetics and evolution being responsible for these three things for example:
1. sickness/ diseases
2. jealousy
3. falling in love (i know you would love me to devout more to this..hehe)

i enjoy biology but i hate memorizing. so to prevent boring you, i will tell you straight that sickle-cell anemia (a hereditary disease) is actually evolution's kind act of making our specie survive malaria. Sickle Cell Anemia is not a fun disease to have (because you have little oxygen in your blood, you cannot climb mount everest) but you actually kill malarian parasites by feeding yourself to mosquitoes who carry the disease. this is one of those "bad things happen for a great reason" case that we cannot argue.

jealousy is not so much a psychological state anymore. back when our cave-men ancestors' lifespan only reach up to 40 years, propagation was a BIG deal so that MATING and finding and SECURING a mate was a self-actualization goal. im exaggerating of course. but do not be surprised when men kill each other when they become victims of a love triangle (or a possibility of losing a mate to reproduce with) because we all inherited that trait. its all in our genes. and go blame evolution. in order to ensure that our specie will multiply, our biological make-up made sure we treat procreation and mating a serious life and death matter. but of course ladies and gentlemen, this violent instinct is only applicable to cavemen years. now that we are not threatened of extinction any longer, there is no reason to curse your lover's mistress anymore...hehe. genes baby. its just the genes.

ahh..to fall in love. how can one say "falling in love" is not a psychological activity when it involves the heart and the soul? well, sorry to disappoint you true-blue romantics but its all the genes again. and it is again related to evolution and its effort to keep us from extinction. we all know the rush and the sweet bliss of romance- the kilig moments and the sparks of the first kiss. thanks to sir boholst- my eyes are now wide open. "falling-in-love" is a stage again of our innate task to propagate. the adrenaline and hormonal rush are all encoded in our genes so we get motivated to mate.

and so i do not wonder why many of us still wonder about love and get broken-hearted. we have not realized and valued the importance of "falling out of love" so we can get to the real business of loving. we think that when the sparks are gone, or when the kisses are becoming cold or the falling stars cease to be- that there's something wrong in the relationship and it has to end so we can move on and hoping that with someone better, perhaps it will work.

insert all-so-famous-grrr lines here - she's a nag. he doesn't talk to me. she's demanding. he doesn't have time for me. i don't get her. i don't understand him. etc... etc...-

oh what a terribly defeating goal it is to continue seeking and sustaining that primary stage instead of aiming for the greater act. sir boholst continued to educate us with merging and de-merging in a relationship to keep it going, and emphasizing healthy "individuals (one, not half or two)" on a mutual undertaking, rather than continue believing in a fused identity of two people as the perfect love story.

so my advice to hopeless romantics out there- hoy gising! the fairy tale line of living happily ever after is just what it is- a line. i would love to continue how cinderella , peter pan and little red riding hood are actually stories of neuroticisms just to prove the point of not living those fairy tales but that would entail another blog entry.

so if ever you're stuck on a dead-end or an end-of-the-world moment in your life, think of a kaleidoscope and how we are all just a tiny speck of this great mystery we have managed to term-life...chill baby!

ps. i sound so friggin nerdy...hahaha!

one more reason why i have walls

2006-11-16T05:10:00.000+08:00

i am a...

*Voodoo Girl

Her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.

But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets
too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.

*taken from tim burton's "the melancholy death of oyster boy: and other stories"

walay server

2006-11-11T03:41:00.000+08:00

i have one hour to spare so i will blabber and bore you to death

sheng and i checked our grades and we are freaked out. we're two freaking dean's listers! hahaha! oh i am such a big boast. but of course there's no dean's list thingamajig in the MA program. go on and raise your eyebrow, i don't care, we're friggin nerds, geeks, whatever! hahaha! and we worked our asses off you neurotics of this world!

oh my mama, i can already imagine the swell of pride in your eyes when my grade card is sent to you. i love thinking about it the whole day.

ok, i better stop before i freak everyone else out.

the test results from the appraisal class came out today. and it said that i am very critical of myself and others. so you people watch out! im critic-ing you!hahaha! that stupid girl from the testing center hates me a lot!

i haven't told you of the neighbor's dogs. they are almost thrice Bo's size, and they are both dark brown, or more like dirty brown. one of them is called "Stupid", the other one's "Male". I don't know who's more stupid, the owner for calling them such, or the dogs for responding to them. but the stupidest part of it all is that "Male" is actually female. oh "Stupid" is a male but that's hardly a big surprise ei, if not fitting?(wehe) you ask, what's the connection? nothing much except that people can be very neurotic and the world keeps on turning.

i got myself a copy of that upbeat french song i used to sing on gigs way back in college. finally, because of the title of this post, i finally had the time to search for the english translation. my first hundred score on a videoke was to this song, and the enunciation and pronounciation was sweetly challenging! i spent hours deciphering it, mind you!

okay- teaser

A quoi bon la guerre et le silence
Embrassons-nous et bonne chance

meaning

Being at war and in silence is pointless
Let's just kiss and wish each other good luck

On Ne S'Aimera Plus Jamais by Larusso

the song's about world peace and well, losing a lover's trust... (quite worldly and wordy don't you think?or do i make sense?hehe) it's a friggin revelation what that song meant when i've been singing for almost three years and didn't exactly know what it meant. (please allow me to use "friggin", it sounds less offensive than that four letter personal favorite word).

oh, my abnormal psych professor encircled a fragment on one of my answers in the finals. he noted- this is not a sentence. isn't that cute? and the fact that he still gave me a high score makes him cuter. haha!

can you believe that one of my classmates doesn't actually know Paris Hilton? Paris Hilton, the heiress with a sex video scandal, who launched a trendy-to-the-ears album and looks amazingly gorgeous in her new video-Paris Hilton? who in the neurotic wordly population and the self-righteous-condemning-sex citizens doesn't know Paris Hilton? see, im not so geeky after all! oh im not a fan. just an objective observer of her good looks, bad brains, stinky reputation and wealthy inheritance. so what if i am anyway.

so, before i go back to try finish my sembreak-project-book, i leave you with this question:

do you believe i have schizophrenic conditions?

i pause for any sort of reply/ies...

sa wakas!

2006-10-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

i'd like to thank stella and brenda for the birthday bash last saturday, because finally- i got drunk!

pics!

thank you jose cuervo! i had a dizzying heck of a drunken time. cheers!

i wrote this on oct28

2006-10-30T20:29:00.000+08:00

ruby gave birth to a baby girl three weeks ago.

it's weird to hear people i use to hang out with getting married and having kids. with so much in my hands right now, i couldn't possibly think that path will be a consideration for me, much more a choice.

i look at my friendster profile and had to pause to actually react at my age- 23. i feel so freaking older than 23.

yet, i despise feeling older than my age, i actually yearn and act out being a kid. in fact, here in the office, the morning people call me bata and actually treat me like one most of the time (im not complaining mind you). my funny disposition does not help at all. to the point that even when i talk serious, people laugh. and since im all laughing at their taking my seriousness as a joke, they never get convinced.

i feel premature and young in an adult's world. but at the same time, i want to experience more and learn some more.

what sembreaks can do to my suddenly free and not-so-busy mind.

oh how time flies.

i feel like october just passed me by and before i knew it, it's already november.

happy halloween everyone.

the world is not fair

2006-10-28T00:42:00.000+08:00

i see them skilled and knowledgeable people work their asses off each time. they are worth more than what they are paid, but they are almost always outstaged by suck-ups who are only good at making sure they shine than polishing themselves with the right attitude. oh how they irritate me.

i can't help but think that these work-die-hards are definitely better off with other companies who can live up to a suck-up ban. but of course, in reality, this is almost an impossible consideration what with this f*cked up economic situation. bills to pay can make you stay in a predictable piece of sh*t rather than jump to an uncertain puddle.

and then again, this is not an isolated case. in fact, this is how it works each time.

we tend to stay in situations where we think we can control extraneous variables (like how to react to a suck-up), than grab a well-deserved chance for a green pasture and possibly deal with an illusion or worse, a big mistake.

that is the rationale in almost all problematic relationships. some people want to stay beaten up rather than nurse a broken ego over an i-should-have-known-better obvious mistake. oh how i pity them.

but the rock-bottom day is sure to come. rock-bottom by the way is a jargon (or an idiom) that usually means your lowest low. and in cases of addiction, this is the part where therapy is most likely to take effect. you can't get lower than your rock-bottom day(s). and you can't get farther with your addiction than that day, when you are dying to shout "enough"!

i just hope that when that day comes for those folks, it won't be too late.

i am not sure how it works for suck-ups though.

i guess, they will always be around - to make this world a predictable piece of sh*t.

and compel us to think and whine that this world has never been, and will never be - fair.

octo-beerdays!

2006-10-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

october 1 - stella (aka. stelleto)
pagsaba pod ginagmay na birthday na diay nimo!

october 14 - jo anne (aka. jow- mowjowjowjow)
gutom lang yan...staps the drags!haha!

october 18 - te lynette (aka. buhakhak gullibility)
the One up there loves your laughter. laugh some more =)

october 22 - jhobee (aka. ate TY)
i-swipe na lang akong gift. hehe =p

october 28 - jay (aka. tiguwang-ako ra licensed to call him this)
yes! makatilaw ra jud kog libre nga for real ,apart from plete sa v-hire ug zagu!

october 29 - brenda (aka. teradyne's ms congeniality)
akong spaghetti ha.para naay kwenta ang pagpakabasa nko sa ulan..haha

october 30 - ching (aka. tipang-genius)
miss na tika dong...

and to all who celebrate their natal days this month, beer pa pleeez!

Beer

2006-10-26T01:20:00.000+08:00

bisaya jokes

DRIVER: Noy, i-atras nako ang jeep. Ingna ko palihug kung mabangga.
MANOY: Oki! Sige, atras! Atras pa...sige pa! Atras gyud! Kana!
CrRaAaSsHh!
MANOY: Oki, bangga na.

Prayer before meals in Bisaya:
"Ginoo namong Dyos, blis dis food, ako fod, siya fod, sila fod, aron ang pagkaon ma-afod-afod ug ang sud-an mapa-igo fod hangtud among ngipon mafodfod.

Mga Bisaya'y di ko maintindihan. Inglis ng isda -- pis; ng mukha -- pis; ng pandikit -- pis; ng kapayapaan -- pis; tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatera -- Pis I or Pis II.

and as you would put it in bisaya, puslan way nagmahal BEER pa day!...and so goes the song from itchyworms, which i dedicate to the dude who seem to need an ounce of humor to lighten up:

Nais kong magpakalasing dahil wala ka na
nakatingin sa salamin at nag-iisa
nakatanim pa rin ang gumamelang
binalik mo sa 'kin nang
tayo'y magkahiwalay
ito'y katulad ng damdamin ko
kahit buhusan mo ng beer
ayaw pang mamatay

Giliw, wag mo sanang limutin
ang mga araw na hindi sana naglaho
mga anak at bahay nating pinaplano
lahat ng ito'y nawala
nung iniwan mo ako kaya ngayon

Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan
upang malunod na ang puso kong nahihirapan
bawat patak, anong sarap
ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
ang beer na 'to o ang pag-ibig mo?

Nais kong magpakasabog dahil olats ako
kahit ano hithitin, kahit tambutso
kukuha ako ng beer at ipapakulo
sa kaldero't lalanghapin
ang usok nito
lahat ay aking gagawin
upang hindi ko na isiping
nag-iisa na ako

Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan
upang malunod na ang puso kong nahihirapan
bawat patak, anong sarap
ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
ang beer na 'to o ang pag-ibig mo?

Giliw, wag mo sanang limutin
ang mga araw na hindi sana naglaho
mga anak at bahay nating pinaplano
lahat ng ito'y nawala
nung iniwan mo 'ko kaya ngayon

Ibuhos na ang beer sa aking lalamunan
upang malunod na ang puso kong nahihirapan
bawat patak, anong sarap
ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
ang beer na 'to o ang pag-ibig mo?

my wish for a confused (long-lost) friend right now, is a bountiful dose of wisdom. i hope you'll figure out what you really want and start gearing up your life.

oktoberfest na! let's pour out the beer!

and let the old cebuano balak flow

"Ang panaghigalaay nga nalubong sa tunaan sa kalimot
Kuykuyon gihapon sa hinagiban sa paghinumdom
Aron mubidlisiw ang mga nagkayamukat nga pagbati."

As translated to English:

"Friendship buried in the mire of forgetfulness
Reborn in the wellspring of remembrance
And all confused emotions vanish, like the setting sun."

Beautiful.

i only wish you see that too.

and im not drunk.

just don't

2006-10-19T00:09:00.000+08:00

14 papers

3 sleepless days

3 days more before the much anticipated abnormal psych exam

no mental disorder definition memorized yet

still finishing 3 papers more for another subject.

i think i am going to puke already.

tomorrow, i need to go to bo's. gotta get coffee'd.

good thing there's...oh well, what's the good thing?

nothing much. except that this has got to be for a great cause because I seriously am getting sick of words, words and more words...i am running out of words. so i better spill out some to get more.

do not ask me for opinions and do not throw "what-do-you-think-about-this-and-that" questions at me in the next three days.

i will simply kill you if you do. wordlessly.

the words run into one another

2006-10-14T03:19:00.000+08:00

one of them goes- why are my entries here either so melancholic if not angry or extremely hypomanic?

maybe people are beginning to think i am such a sad, cynic and jaded person and i am trying to collect a set of emo ka-tribu.

geez. and then there are times i can't help but wonder- why can't i stop laughing? or cracking things up?

ohhh...bipolar d, is that you?

the disorder definitions forces their way out and create mumble of words in my head and i can't help but get anxious and excited.

yes, i am excited to take the exam. despite the fact that we were only given 3 weeks to freak our minds out and squeeze the dsm.

i don't really wonder much why i love my abnormal psych class. i especially suspect it keeps me grounded and affirms me of my sanity.

and then while there are complex words that can be dissected (though not with ease) with breakdowns of definitions, there are simple words the brain can digest but the mind cannot fathom.

the brain and its neurons, axons and dendrites can, for example, transmit impulses to send the message of emotions.

but its through the mind that you think how all these shit can really get you f*cked up.

like waking up one day (not necessarily from slumber) to a realization you've managed to mute and now is screaming to get heard- f*ck, i miss you dude!

is it because ive discovered that my new crush is gay that i actually freaked out and run to you for cover, only to discover- what the f*ck! you have left long time ago in bethlehem. without my knowing!

or is it how all these definitions of mental disorders only reminds me of you? (geez, was that a song?)

and my new crush is a bitch. a freaking intelligent bitch, he is sooo oozing with sex appeal...errr...im becoming a lesbian!

and then i get those reality-bites kind of talk that seem to rob me of my dreams. and im like- oh no! don't you dare take this away from me. it's the only thing i have left, you freaking psycho!

and then i go back to getting all emo and i suddenly have this great urge to cry. im so tired! i wanna scream.

only to hear my stomache grumble and getting suddenly aware of hunger. f*ck, i need to eat. i've been eating instant noodles the whole week.

did i tell you im back in the graveyard shift? im back in the dark side as one giant put it. i am relieved. i need the night shift differential badly. but the food sucks at this time of the day. night. whichever.

so. instant noodles it is.

ohh..food. we are going out on a food trip this month. because the girls all celebrate their birthdays this month. all 3 of them. and we're like 4 in the team. that makes me a minority. would it freaking matter?

what's the sense of all these?

tell me?

can you tell?

can you?

i still wanna cry. up to now, all these are just words. and i still can't make up what the monster really is, and what it is doing inside me.

diagnosis: mental disorder features not otherwise specified

wild horses

2006-10-11T00:13:00.000+08:00

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I wanna run too
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I wanna run with the wild horses

natasha bedingfield
unwritten

for psych majors only

2006-10-06T23:16:00.000+08:00

dear Pooh lovers,

the article below is not my doing. please do not shoot me. full article here

dear abnormal lovers,

please join me in getting amused and amazed...=)

Pathology in the Hundred Acre Wood: a neurodevelopmental perspective on A.A. Milne

We begin with Pooh. This unfortunate bear embodies the concept of comorbidity. Most striking is his Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), inattentive subtype. As clinicians, we had some debate about whether Pooh might also demonstrate significant impulsivity, as witnessed, for example, by his poorly thought out attempt to get honey by disguising himself as a rain cloud. We concluded, however, that this reflected more on his comorbid cognitive impairment, further aggravated by an obsessive fixation on honey. The latter, of course, has also contributed to his significant obesity. Pooh's perseveration on food and his repetitive counting behaviours raise the diagnostic possibility of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Given his coexisting ADHD and OCD, we question whether Pooh may over time present with Tourette's syndrome. Pooh is also clearly described as having Very Little Brain. We could not confidently diagnose microcephaly, however, as we do not know whether standards exist for the head circumference of the brown bear. The cause of Pooh's poor brain growth may be found in the stories themselves. Early on we see Pooh being dragged downstairs bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head. Could his later cognitive struggles be the result of a type of Shaken Bear Syndrome?

Pooh needs intervention. We feel drugs are in order. We cannot but wonder how much richer Pooh's life might be were he to have a trial of low-dose stimulant medication. With the right supports, including methylphenidate, Pooh might be fitter and more functional and perhaps produce (and remember) more poems.

I take a PILL-tiddley pom It keeps me STILL-tiddley pom, It keeps me STILL-tiddley pom Not fiddling.

And what of little Piglet? Poor, anxious, blushing, flustered little Piglet. He clearly suffers from a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Had he been appropriately assessed and his condition diagnosed when he was young, he might have been placed on an antipanic agent, such as paroxetine, and been saved from the emotional trauma he experienced while attempting to trap heffalumps.

Pooh and Piglet are at risk for additional self-esteem injury because of the chronic dysthymia of their neighbour, Eeyore. What a sad life that donkey lives. We do not have sufficient history to diagnose this as an inherited, endogenous depression or to know whether some early trauma contributed to his chronic negativism, low energy and anhe(haw)donia. Eeyore would benefit greatly from an antidepressant, perhaps combined with individual therapy. Maybe with a little fluoxetine, Eeyore might see the humour in the whole tail-losing episode. Even if a patch of St. John's wort grew near his thistles, the forest could ring with a braying laugh.

Our neurodevelopmental group agrees about poor Owl: obviously bright, but dyslexic. His poignant attempts to cover up for his phonological deficits are similar to what we see day in and day out in others so afflicted. If only his condition had been identified early and he received more intensive support!

We especially worry about baby Roo. It is not his impulsivity or hyperactivity that concerns us, as we feel that those are probably age appropriate. We worry about the environment in which he is developing. Roo is growing up in a single-parent household, which puts him at high risk for Poorer Outcome. We predict we will someday see a delinquent, jaded, adolescent Roo hanging out late at night at the top of the forest, the ground littered with broken bottles of extract of malt and the butts of smoked thistles. We think that this will be Roo's reality, in part because of a second issue. Roo's closest friend is Tigger, who is not a good Role Model. Peer influences strongly affect outcome.

We acknowledge that Tigger is gregarious and affectionate, but he has a recurrent pattern of risk-taking behaviours. Look, for example, at his impulsive sampling of unknown substances when he first comes to the Hundred Acre Wood. With the mildest of provocation he tries honey, haycorns and even thistles. Tigger has no knowledge of the potential outcome of his experimentation. Later we find him climbing tall trees and acting in a way that can only be described as socially intrusive. He leads Roo into danger. Our clinical group has had its own debate about what the best medication might be for Tigger. Some of us have argued that his behaviours, occurring in a context of obvious hyperactivity and impulsivity, would suggest the need for a stimulant medication. Others have wondered whether clonidine might be helpful, or perhaps a combination of the two. Unfortunately we could not answer the question as scientifically as we would have liked because we could find only human studies in the literature.

Even if we were able to help Tigger, we would still have the problem of Roo's growing up with a single parent. Kanga is noted to be somewhat overprotective. Could her possessiveness of Roo relate to a previous run-in with social services? And where will Kanga be in the future? It is highly likely that she will end up older, blowsier, struggling to look after several joeys conceived in casual relationships with different fathers, stuck at a dead end with inadequate financial resources. But perhaps we are being too gloomy. Kanga may prove to be one of those exceptional single mothers who show a natural resilience - an ability, if we may say so, to bounce back. Maybe Kanga will pass her high school equivalency test, earn a university degree and maybe even get an MBA. Perhaps some day Kanga will buy the Hundred Acre Wood and develop it into a gated community of $500 000 homes. But that is not likely to happen, particularly in a social context that does not appear to value education and provides no strong female leadership.

What leadership there is in the Hundred Acre Wood is simply that offered by one small boy, Christopher Robin. Our group believes that Christopher Robin has not exhibited any diagnosable condition as yet, but we are concerned about several issues. There is the obvious problem of a complete absence of parental supervision, not to mention the fact that this child is spending his time talking to animals. We also noted in the stories early signs of difficulty with academics and felt that E.H. Shepard's illustrations suggest possible future gender identity issues for this child. The more psychoanalytical member in our group indicated that there could be some Freudian meaning to his peculiar naming of his bear as Winnie-the-Pooh.

Finally, we turn to Rabbit. We note his tendency to be extraordinarily self-important and his odd belief system that he has a great many relations (many of other species!) and friends. He seems to have an overriding need to organize others, often against their will, into new groupings, with himself always at the top of the reporting structure. We believe that he has missed his calling, as he clearly belongs in senior-level hospital administration.

Somewhere at the top of the forest a little boy and his bear play. Sadly, the forest is not, in fact, a place of enchantment, but rather one of disenchantment, where neurodevelopmental and psychosocial problems go unrecognized and untreated. It is unfortunate that an Expotition was never Organdized to a Child Development Clinic.

sign of times

2006-10-04T08:33:00.000+08:00

i have read this article before but it found a way to my inbox today so i thought it worth posting, not to mention it couldn't have been as meaningful today than any other day it would again stray my way

Define Your Core Gift and Remain Faithful To Who You Are

Here's My Gift: I'm Not a Theologian With Three Doctorates
Just a Preacher In Blue Jeans...

-Bo Sanchez

UNLESS you remain faithful to who you are, you have no gift to give to the world.

A few months ago, The Philippine Daily Inquirer ran a cover story about me in its Sunday edition. If you were not able to buy a copy, blame my mother who bought every single copy she could get her hands on - and gave it as a gift to all her friends. (She is still the uncontested President of The Bo Sanchez Fans Club.) My photo was so large, covering the entire spreadsheet, it made my nose look like the grand piano.

But I loved the label. Because in that article, editor Ruel de Vera officially knighted me as the "Preacher in Blue Jeans."

Ruel said I'm a "Preacher in Blue Jeans" because people understand what I preached. That I don't lecture about purely "spiritual" stuff, such as doctrine, or prayer, or the Bible... Instead, I speak about the nitty-gritty stuff of daily life -like how to earn money, how to have a loving family, and how to overcome temptations and problems..

When he interviewed me, he said I'm also a "Preacher in Blue Jeans" because people can identify with me. Especially when I become vulnerable, sharing my weaknesses and sins. (He was referring to how I confessed that I was sexually molested as a child.)

Not everyone feels the same way though.

I remember how an old priest scolded me many years ago for writing the way I did. He was a learned, scholarly priest, and he castigated me, saying, "Bo, stop writing about yourself. All you talk about is yourself. Start writing about God!"

I told him, "I'll consider your advice, Father..."

I did, oh, for about 10 seconds. (I wanted to respect an older man.)

But I threw away his advice in a snap.

Because he wanted me to write like him.

Because he wanted me to write to religious guys like him.

Because he wanted me not to use my core gift and become someone else.

Others can do that, but that's not my edge.

Yes, I usually write about me. And about my 87-year-old father who can't see clearly anymore, I have to cut his fingernails and toenails for him, which is to me my greatest achievements in life. And about my 81-year-old mother who at an early age infected me with her devotion to God. And about my loving wife who is the real magic behind the preacher. (I cannot do what I do now if she didn't support me 100%.) And about my wonderful sons, Bene and Francis, who remind me that life is unfair: How could I have deserved such fantastic gifts as these two boys?

I write about my large nose, my missing tooth, and my daily struggles.

I write simple stories, discerning God's fingerprints in ordinary events.

I write to people who like listening to gritty reality, not scholarly theology.

And do you know what made me more confident in throwing out his advice?

As I spoke to this priest, I was leaning on a five-drawer filing cabinet, jam-packed with happy, tear-stained, heartfelt letters from my readers. Thousands of thousands of letters, telling me that they have seen God through my stories. (I was tempted to ask him, "Do you also have a filing cabinet filled with thousands of letters from your readers like this one, Father?" Thankfully, I stopped myself.)

Friend, don't let anyone force you to be who you are not.

Your gift won't be for everyone. So don't try pleasing everyone.

But there are people out there who will be desperate for your unique gift. That's your target market. Go after them and serve them. Don't mind everyone else.Some people won't like you. (That particular priest didn't like me, but I've got lots of priest and bishop friends who like my writing - and tell me that they steal my ideas for their homilies.)

Friend, define your core gift, and remain faithful to who you are.

1+1=x

2006-10-02T12:44:00.000+08:00

just when i think i am sure of where im going and what i ought to do, something (often very trivial) comes up to stop me in my tracks, rearrange my path and make me retrace my steps.

oh i remember them quite clearly- those dreams i thought were bound to fulfill my perfect role in this mind-boggling puzzle in life. i always keep in mind how things could only make sense after formidable years, and that almost always, when the going gets confusing, i am often led to believe i am drowning and too overwhelmed to insist my way. and then things just happen without my consent at all, and i let them carry me away.

and here it is yet again- those strong current i haven't seen coming.

do i let history repeat itself and have them carry me away again?

or should i insist my way this time?

i am almost 24 years old. and i still can't make my freaking mind up.

why is it so much easier to say "to hell with others" than actually mean it?

i am simple girl who if given her way, prefers simple dreams. i don't want greatness, or fame or a mark in history books, or so much money (although i don't mind a clean credit bill). why is everything offered to me so complicated?

but then again, there's gotta be more to life than being comfortable.

im not missing you

2006-09-29T13:27:00.000+08:00

sheng likes this song but said this is so me.

could be. yes makes a lot of sense. maybe, one day i could pause to ponder about that.

but the musing is yet to come.

or maybe, has long been yesterday.

i thought i saw my phone featured in the video. kewl.

Im not Missing You
Stacie Orrico

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiousity
Now that it's over
What else could it be
he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

(But) I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
waiting and the hoping you'd call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
On the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

right. so maybe the fourth paragraph still makes a lot of sense.

oh, and the last line of the last paragraph too.

but this is just a blog entry.

i am tired

2006-09-26T12:32:00.000+08:00

pain, like coffee, at times makes all sense to keep you going in life.

both are addictive
kills the brain cells (figuratively and literally)
dark
bitter

but despite it's not so good effects, it evidently provides you with one thing you need when you can't find it anywhere else- the rush of adrenaline that daunts grogginess.

and for a short while, it gives you strength to go on.

but even when you coat it with sugar and cream, it eventually take its long term trademark of clouding your mind and you'll be too addicted by then to withdraw.

but what are you suppose to do when life's toll is too much to bear for our human existence?

are we suppose to succumb to tiredness and sleep our way out?
are we suppose to avoid the intervention, carry on, and risk committing groggy mistakes?

dr. grey said, "it'a shame to be an adult. the carousel never stops. and you can't get out".

round and round- dizzyingly round and round moments in my life makes me pause to agree with her.

so when you're stuck in a wilderness that refuses to lend you a break or a rest, you either get too tired to move
or you grab a mug of the black liquid, serve it really dark and continue
but don't you get lost either way?

i can bear the pains for what they're worth. i can always stop from intoxicating myself with more coffee.

but what doesn't make sense is, why do i have to go through this wilderness anyway?

kathy said, "i refuse to read bo because he has a perfect life and i dont". it's unbelievable how sad that makes me, and how painfully true what she said.

how did we ever get ourselves this lost?
how do we stop getting more lost?

and even when we do know the answers to our questions, they are more of like a comfort thought rather than a real profound life choice.

because even when you choose to really believe, that's all you can do- believe. and the going gets more painful. because you believed in beautiful trees and wonderful animals, yet you are stuck in the deep, dark wild of an eerie forest.

and then again, is it strange that while i am profoundly confused and tired amidst this wilderness, i would hear this song?

You are the one, there's no one else
Who lifts me up and gives me water from the well
But theres a hole that seems to drain it all away
And once again Im left in fear and doubts
When all my strength is crying out

So, here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do to die
and then be raised,
To reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain?

The evil wind, it blows a storm to rock my world
Just when I think Im safe and warm
Im led astray far too easily
Its always hard for me to say Im wrong
Until I know I cant go on

So, here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken
like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do to die
and then be raised,
To reach beyond the pain
like a flower in the rain?

Lord, you have searched me and know
When I sleep and when I rise
You're familiar with all my ways
Even the darkness will shine
Like the day when you look into my heart

i have to stop the tears from falling, and use my remaining energy to continue...
reaching out towards the song
reaching out towards the object of *this song

*"Flower in the Rain"
- Jaci Velasquez

philippine idol results

2006-09-20T10:08:00.000+08:00

our "manok" fell short of votes
but gained more fans with her charm.

i can only imagine the "buzz" in the MSU community when Suey's performance on the wildcard round was broadcasted. i am a bit disappointed with the voting system for PI. because MSU folks DO NOT primarily believe in the power of money to reach goals (MSUans, am i right or am i right?), and therefore, i am confident to assume that yes, they voted, but they can only afford that much. but where their pockets are weak, i am sure they made up for fighting spirit.

ABC5 should realize that they are not giving the masa much choice but to watch in utter horror true talents go down the drain because prices have gone up (and so have text rates). ira and ting were also better contenders for the top 12. and to eliminate my favorite boys- ramirr (rocker!) and joseph (ohh ryan's karibal..hehe) was abomination. ahhh!

ate suey, if ever you can get to reading this, know that we enjoyed your performances and we are even more proud at how you handled mau's remarks with grace and class. truly a showcase of MSUan poise.

mau is undeniably a world-class talent. but that sarcastic (for some, exasperated-sounding) comment on *"pagandahan" thrown to suey (although not necessarily pertaining to), was uncalled for. yes, suey is a beauty. but she is a power belter above everything else (as much as her joining in the PI is concerned) and no, she doesn't deserve the let-down, especially on-stage (live nationwide..daghan singit..ahehe).

and to all MSUans, especially those in the campus who missed suey's performance (not because very few have tv in the campus and there is no abc5 coverage in the area, but because you are too busy studying to lift poverty off of you to care...hehe), you can watch her in these links below:

semi-finals performance - "almost over you"
better audio/video quality

semi-finals performance- "almost over you" (with judges' comments)
watch FM wipe his drool..hehe

wilcard round performance- "best of my love"
i've never seen her dance, so i really enjoyed this one =)

and so, after all is said and done, and wonderful singers are ousted, i stand on mr.C's endorsement- mau is world-class . let's flaunt filipino talent in the World Idol competition.

please. close your vanity eyes when watching the show.

oh, i love pow too. but she is more a likeable person who can sing darn well, than a philippine idol who wows the world.

let's opt for international standard, and continue voting for mau.

but let's buy ate suey's album (and like FM, tickets to her shows too).

hehe...

*Hindi ito singing contest...pagandahan..."
- Mau Marcelo on Suey during the announcement of the Final 12

in harm's way

2006-09-20T07:35:00.000+08:00

i know i talk about my passion to help people a lot. no, i don't just talk. in fact i exhibit it to the point of madness (im just kidding, must be the coffee). but even when i am almost always sleepless everyday, i struggle to learn as much as i could to heed the call of this passion. and even when there is so much to learn and so little time to cover everything, and exhaustion, fatigue and burn-out (and sometimes my weird sense of humor) get in the way, i think it is crucial to pause for a while and just let the energy flow from me to you guys.

to cut the long bluff short- PLEEEAAASSSSEEEE read the excerpts below! i don't want to become a tita or ninang to cute children who are potential clients!

Animal and human studies demonstrate that a variety of chemicals commonly encountered in industry and the home can contribute to developmental, learning, and behavioral disabilities.

Developmental neurotoxicants are chemicals that are toxic to the developing brain. They include the metals lead, mercury, cadmium, and manganese; nicotine; pesticides such as organophosphates and others that are widely used in homes and schools; dioxin and PCBs that bioaccumulate in the food chain; and solvents, including ethanol and others used in paints, glues and cleaning solutions. These chemicals may be directly toxic to cells or interfere with hormones (endocrine disruptors), neurotransmitters, or other growth factors.

Lead
* Increases in blood lead levels during infancy and childhood are associated with attention deficits, increased impulsiveness, reduced school performance, aggression, and delinquent behavior.
* Effects on learning are seen at blood lead levels below those currently considered "safe".

Mercury
* Large fetal exposures to methyl mercury cause mental retardation, gait and visual disturbances.
* Smaller fetal exposures, such as those resulting from regular maternal fish consumption, have been implicated in language, attention, and memory impairments that appear to be permanent.

Manganese
* Unlike many other metals, some manganese is essential as a catalyst in several critically important enzymatic processes. However, several studies report a relationship between excessive childhood levels of manganese exposure and hyperactivity or learning disabilities.

Nicotine
* Children born to women who smoke during pregnancy are at risk for IQ deficits, learning disorders, and attention deficits.
* Children born to women who are passively exposed to cigarette smoke are also at risk for impaired speech, language skills, and intelligence.

Dioxins and PCBs
* Monkeys exposed to dioxin as fetuses show evidence of learning disabilities.
* Humans and animals exposed to low levels of PCBs as fetuses have learning disabilities.
* Children exposed to PCBs during fetal life show IQ deficits, hyperactivity, and attention deficits when tested years later.

Pesticides
* Animal tests of pesticides belonging to the commonly-used organophosphate class of chemicals show that small single doses on a critical day of development can cause hyperactivity and permanent changes
in neurotransmitter receptor levels in the brain.
* One of the most commonly used organophosphates, chlorpyrifos (Dursban), decreases DNA synthesis in the developing brain, resulting in deficits in cell numbers.
* Some pyrethroids, another commonly used class of pesticides, also cause permanent hyperactivity in animals exposed to small doses on a single critical day of development.
* Children exposed to a variety of pesticides in an agricultural community in Mexico show impaired stamina, coordination, memory, and capacity to represent familiar subjects in drawings.

Solvents
* Exposure to organic solvents during development may cause a spectrum of disorders including structural birth defects, hyperactivity, attention deficits, reduced IQ, learning and memory deficiencies.
* As little as one alcoholic drink a day by a mother during pregnancy may cause her offspring to exhibit impulsive behavior and lasting deficits in memory, IQ, school performance, and social adaptability.
* Animal and limited human studies show that exposures to common chemicals like toluene, trichloroethylene, xylene, and styrene during pregnancy can also cause learning deficiencies and altered
behavior in offspring, particularly after fairly large exposures.

Neurotoxicants are not merely a potential threat to children. In some instances, adverse impacts are seen at current exposure levels.

* According to EPA estimates, about 1.16 million women in the U.S. of childbearing years eat sufficient amounts of mercury-contaminated fish to risk damaging brain development of their children.

* Breast-fed infants are exposed to levels of dioxin that exceed adult exposures by as much as a factor of 50. Dioxin exposures of this magnitude have been shown to cause abnormal social behavior in monkeys exposed before birth through the maternal diet. (While breast milk contaminants may compromise some of the cognitive benefits of breast feeding, breast milk remains strongly preferred over infant formula due to numerous important benefits to infant health.)

* Prenatal exposure to PCBs at ambient environmental levels adversely affects brain development, causing attention and IQ deficits, which remain detectable years later and may be permanent.

* Neurotoxicants that appear to have trivial effects on an individual have profound impacts when applied across populations. For example, a loss of 5 points in IQ is of minimal significance in a person with an average IQ. However a shift of 5 IQ points in the average IQ of a population of 260 million increases the number of functionally disabled by over 50% (from 6 to 9.4 million), and decreases the number of gifted by over 50% (from 6 to 2.6 million).

- GreaterBostonPhysiciansforSocialResponsibility

i know there are very technical terms here, but these are information very much worth your while, everybody's for that matter! think of all the money psychologists like me will earn if we are lenient to our surroundings. and in as much as i would love to become rich, i don't want the already numerous disorders to grow a hundred more. my brain cells can only store that much.

anyone patient and responsible enough to read the whole (149 pages) of this research article, buzz me so i can send you the soft copy.

or you can download it here

p.s.
take it from me because mind you, we charge (ehrr...to some extent, pretty much) by the hour.

bridge and breakfast

2006-09-14T06:05:00.000+08:00

i have long been wondering how it feels like, if the public jeepney you are in suddenly breaks down in the middle of the bridge a few minutes before your shift. i see them unfortunate people from time to time, their faces depicting different reactions to the prospect of getting late for work. not that i actually wanted to experience it myself. not when i have been seriously working on getting that perfect timecard.

but today, fate was kind.

my curiosity was satiated.

and no, the scenery from up there wasn't the nicest view in the world when you are ten minutes away from screwing your timecard. and for the first time, i skipped the view of sunrise over looking out for cabs.

3 relieving things
1. taxi when you need it
2. no traffic when you don't need it
3. just about enough time to save yourself from the situation.

oh, i punched in 5 minutes before my shift started. just enough time to type all these and document this hopefully once (and i fervently hope ONLY once)-in-a-lifetime experience.

=p

small circle, small circle, biiig circle

2006-09-13T10:07:00.000+08:00

there are trivialities in life that you can't help but mope over.

like memorizing a whole book of mental abnormalities descriptions
or eating buttered corn everyday for two straight weeks
or that unexpected escalation at work
or an annoying officemate
or suddenly befriending irritating classmates
or seeing an ex-lover for the first time after a long time
or learning he just got married

you see, the whole will always be bigger than the sum of these small things, which on their own are petty, probably fleeting and to an extent- unimportant.

somehow, they are like clusters of amusement rides and parks that huddle together to put up an enchanted kingdom.

and although you go ride-all-you-can and treat each with the same interest, attention and curiosity, there are rides that will stand out in your memory.

the rollercoaster!

i guess we all have rollercoaster rides in our lives once in a while. those moments that make you scream (literally or figuratively) that "oh my-god-im-gonna-die-scream", and will turn your insides into mush, and make your eyes refuse to open out of pure hysteria and panic. and yes, it makes you feel that way despite the terrible comfort of your seatbelt that locks you in place for safety. safety- is a stranger when you're up there or down (or upside down, whatever). and strangely enough, the ride doesn't take long, but the hang-over is another long story.

and you brag. oh how you ache to brag to everyone how you survived. and you've got all right to brag of how dreadful it was, you're surely not gonna go at it again. and no matter how you exaggerate or embellish the terms, it can never match up to relay such an experience.

but then again, enchanted kingdom visits doesn't happen everyday.

and i am sure as hell is hot, that the next time you'll pass by Merlin's town- those giant tracks will take its enchanting toll on you, and you're gonna go through the whole thing over again.

because what the heck- you've paid for a "ride-all-you-can" pass.

epiphany in the dark

2006-09-07T12:27:00.000+08:00

we all have a favorite dark side in us. a place we go to each time we want to hide from the demands of our world. when the light gets too bright for our tired eyes, and putting our best selves in the spotlight gets exhausting, we shun seeing what's true and projecting the real.

in the shadows, hiding is easy. and we commit to our darkest deeds. so all our secret desires, wants and longings, we try to fulfill our way, throwing cares and cautions to the wind. afterall, no one sees us, no one would complain. no one would claim insult, no one would get trampled on, no one would get hurt...or so it seems.

when i was young, that dark place was my insecurities and fears. back when i was surrounded with blooming teenagers who had fancy accessories and tacky families. i neither had both.

when i outgrew my teenage years, i learned what few kids my age would --> self-reliance and ambition.

and it wasn't until lately that i realized, that being deprived way back was my advantage to my peers.

no, im no longer insecure and afraid. i've outgrown them too. but not without more pains. you see, even when i was scared and insecure, i give my best to the people around me. and most of the time, i either ended up not enough or too nice for them. i was only capable of that much abuse. so i let go.

or so i thought...

a little rewind on history made me realize, ive been hiding all along. i've been taking refuge in my anger and my bitterness. so that each time i am near the light, i would run away as far as i could. so people would not see my stains, and the dirts i have accumulated along the way.

one day, after being away for so long, i heard myself say, "i wanna go home".

but even then, i had to stop myself from shaking when i heard one of my voices reply,"but where is home?"

sure, i've great parents (despite their separation), and four wonderful siblings (despite their all-too-familiar-flaws), but is home just the comfort of knowing you are tied by birth (or something else) to people?

i love my family.

and the second and third and fourth (so on, so forth) families i have come to love in different places all over.

but, "where is my home?", i still ask.

somehow, despite my evasion, the light has found me, yet again.

and then, for some reason, i noticed that i am not yet there. yes i now know what it feels when they say, "so near yet so far".

it is a naked distance. yet, the more i reach out to it, the more i succumb to the dark.

so you ask, have you figured out what it means to be home?

i answer, oh yes, i always have. i just need to get out of the dark and see it for myself.

meanwhile, i have yet to settle if i will ever be comfortable that people will see my real figure, or would i feel relieved or freaked out that they don't give an actual damn.

for now, i will continue singing with brian mcknight

Win

Dark is the night
I can weather the storm
Never say die
I've been down this road before
I'll never quit
I'll never lay down, mm
See I promised myself that I'd never let me down

So I'll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I'll never fail
I'll just get up and try again

Never lose hope
Never lose faith
There's much too much at stake
Upon myself I must depend
I'm not looking for place or show
I'm gonna win

No stopping now
There are still ways to go, oh
Someway, somehow
Whatever it takes, I know
I'll never quit, no no
I'll never go down, mm, mm
I'll make sure they remember my name
A hundred years from now

When it's all said and done
My once in a lifetime will be back again
Now is the time
To take a stand
Here is my chance
That's why I...

Mmm, I'm gonna win

what can i do with this broken heart

2006-08-23T12:05:00.000+08:00

i've been saving the things you gave me
i've been holding them close to me
all the letters that said you love me
and the picture of you holding me

and i've been meaning to call and tell you
after all that we've been through

i know what to do with the memries
but i found something here i can't use

what can i do with this broken heart
and the goodbye that leaves me nowhere
what can i do with this broken heart
and a love i can't get over

i remember the words that we've spoken
how we used them so carelessly
what we thought would last forever
ended so suddenly
so suddenly

she's in!

2006-08-23T08:25:00.000+08:00

it's weird and thrilling at the same time to watch a national singing contest show when you suddenly find yourself rooting for someone you personally know.

oh, it's not just some contest show, it is no less than the Philippine Idol!

i am tempted to embellish my praises for this lady, but prudence dictates me to keep my excitement for her at bay.

back in college, her pretty face would stand out in any crowd, and whoever doesn't know her is defintely an autistic. and when she sings, you will have to pinch yourself just to check that a real creature is singing in front of you...(ooppss. there goes prudence! hehe)

the time i got to work with her in the college student board office was short and sweet, and i can only smirk at myself at the way she regarded my asking for her autograph a joke. i should have insisted.

but now she is on national television, and she just advanced to the second round. i am a bit edgy for her though because people frown on birit-singers lately and this lady's forte is being definitely just that.

oh, but what's wrong with having an angelic voice that can top the high notes? i will stop watching the show if they will be stupid enough to let her go.

but watching her on this teaser, i doubt if i have to resort to that.

out of reach

2006-08-22T13:07:00.000+08:00

knew the signs
it wasn't right
i was stupid for a while
swept away by you
and now i feel like a fool

so confused
my heart's bruised
was i ever loved by you?

out of reach
so far
i never had your heart
out of reach
couldn't see
we were never meant to be...

the problem with falling in love is that it feels so amazing you wanna stay that way.

we grew up hearing wonderful stories of people falling in love and living happily after. while some died for it, if they didn't fight for it. some were saved from potential miseries and some crazy more were given new beginnings.

but here's the glitch: they forgot to debrief us that all characters in the stories were fictional and that any resemblance to any person were unintentional.

and all the while, we look back to those stories and we try to immitate every intimate scenes in our own love stories as much as we can. thanks to the commercialism of creativity, we were doomed.

oh yeah, i don't argue that movie-like or pocketbook-like stories indeed exist, but that's just about that. and sadly, in real love stories, sometimes all it takes for it to become unreal are simple gestures like little lies and little unspoken thoughts.

oh why didn't they work out on a formula (about love) instead of putting up a doomsday conspiracy on paper and on the big screen?

the answer may be because they couldn't.

and so we continue to believe how overwhelming an idea the heart and the mind is, when actually, they are better expressed in (yes, yet again) simple gestures, like sharing a good laugh and pricking each other's pimple.

a famous author once said, "the death of romantic love is the beginning of true love".

so, even though i hate to disappoint hopeless romantics out there, i have to point out that a relationship that involves bad morning breaths, smelly sweats and mood swings is real.

and no, there are no wonderful-bad breaths, or sweet-sweaty smell or cute-mood swings because these are unfortunate realities (that actually are not wonderful, sweet nor cute).

but when you are able to accept the person and choose to continue falling in love with him over and over while anticipating these awful extraneous variables, then that is love.

and thanks to this awfully wonderful realization, i think i am seriously doomed.

a sleepy monday

2006-08-14T10:05:00.000+08:00

nothing makes stress more emphasized than having two reports scheduled in a week, that is apart from the fact of course that you've moved to a new apartment on that same week.

i would have thought bo would be needing someone around to protect him from the bigger dogs of the neighbors, but yes and no. no he doesn't need someone to protect him because he bullies the bigger dogs! so yes, he needs someone around- to hold him back and keep him from attacking the giants and wreak david-like havoc! sheesh...talk about small and terrible. terribly naughty that is!

the new house is quite small, but not too small for the four of us (me, lovelyn, sheng and her brother migo). but it's entirely a different story for bo (he's used to running around the wide sala back in the old apartment). and we just can't allow him to wander around in the backyard (no more dog fights!)

an interesting thing, and a rare one at that happened while we were hauling and transferring our things. i left two boxes full of books and personal memoirs (love letters, and the effects) in the cab we hailed. an hour into arranging our stuff, the driver came back and personally delivered the the boxes i left inside his cab. oh, bless him! maybe the monastery has just made its first impression. and did i mention we can actually hear the activities inside the church (prayers, novenas, etc) from our gate? (yes, i really think we're bound to incorporate church life into our routines now!)

everything's not exactly perfect- i only had 3 hours of good sleep, i have a report due later today, and another this saturday, four sets of assignments on backlog and two more dues this week, my PC won't start up, and our room is still a mess- but i can take it fine from here.

i just wish cheddy wasn't absent today so she can brew coffee.

addressed

2006-08-11T14:02:00.000+08:00

my nerdy self took over during the exam and i think i did fairly well on it. i apparently got so tensed, i wasn't able to sleep the night before it.

the psychological exam didn't push through last wednesday as there was no psychometrician to conduct it.

but even then, my cash problem was solved by my ever-generous brother who lent me his savings. (love you manong benz...mwaahs!) not only could i have taken the exam and covered for sheng's fee(she was broke too), we can now settle and pay for a new apartment too.

and speaking of, i am now officially a resident of mabolo, cebu city. well actually, we still have to move this weekend, but i cannot contain my excitement. new apartment, new travel routes, slightly new routine, definitely new address. and hopefully a fresh, new start.

all is grace. the Almighty took care of everything. im so glad the Carmelite Monastery is just a few meters away from the apartment. i can now afford quiet moments inside His church.

i feel so blessed, i actually look forward to delivering my report in our (Theories of Learning) class on monday. God is really good! =)

when it rains...

2006-08-06T18:27:00.000+08:00

well, it floods...

as far as our apartment is concerned anyway. i have spent the entire saturday evening cleaning off the mess in my room, and i am sore from all the hauling and mopping all over the place. my disgust has caused a raw verbal deal with the apartment owner when she refused to send help because it was a weekend. if only i could use her face to wipe my extra cpu and pc monitor dry, then perhaps she can better appreciate whatever stupid mistake her utilities people has done on the drainage near the comfort room. my red mood by then was completely seething, as sheng and i just survived our "put-on-the-spot-condemnation" in our group dynamics class earlier that afternoon.

in which, speaking of, brings me to think, "why are winners condemned?". as for our case, if the game was nothing serious, why the big deal if one group wins? and much to my dismay, this is twice the time i have been part of the group that won. the class turns finger-pointing at the people who pushed for competition when it was just a group dynamics class activity. come on, if we are ever to enjoy anything, can't we just at least feel the thrill of knowing you might win or lose? im sorry, but i feel the need for excitation amidst their great attempt to sugarcoat the reasons why the other team lost. if i had been on the losing team, i would never dwell on losing when nothing's at stake. my apologies, my ego has been through enough, i need not nurse it when dealing with a loss over a class activity. apparently, there are more important things to fret with.

like the exam on learning theories tomorrow, which i have yet to address. and the fact that im running out of cash that i badly need for a psychological exam we need to take for our personality tests appraisal class on wednesday, to which i don't know how to address. and of course, there's the fact that we need to move out of this old apartment and look for another that's not freaky and with good feng shui! what we need right now is a break from life's blows and a really good address!

of course i can only describe the shallow part of the water, as the girls and i are actually hurdling bigger storms. sometimes, we can't help but pause to realize how overwhelming the responsibilities we deal with. and then again, we just have to laugh. oh how we love to laugh even at the sight of our things floating around in the house.

yes, we look drowning at a glance, and soaked and wet. and we are all edgy and cranky, but we are trying to clean the mess from the outside, and swim through the mess inside.

oh, when it rains, it truly pours. i just hope the flood will not breakthrough to a level we cannot clean up.

natural highs (during the lows)

2006-07-27T13:33:00.000+08:00

1. free coffee
2. having a report schedule moved to a later date
3. not looking one's best (no make-up, not-so-cool outfit), and getting away with it
4. eating one's favorite food (because the taste buds aren't working)
5. being called pretty despite being sick and pale

compliments from the warthog

2006-07-24T08:23:00.000+08:00

walk like a nomad
talk like a nomad
act like a nomad

but never ever step on one.
unless, it is a flip flop.

*picfromwarty*

i cannot really think of something that fits you
just that you seem to be a very strong person
-Warty-

and so, he christened me as- Danger Girl

we brew our own Bo's coffee

2006-07-21T12:53:00.000+08:00

when you are 23, working and single, the workplace can either make or break you. perhaps because this age is the nest-hunting stage, or in simple laymen's term- the period of searching your place in the world.

my workplace shakes me.

because the people in my department makes me realize that no matter how intelligent you are, or how dead-serious you are with your career, you just can't help but crack other people up.

caller: hi christine! this is KK!
me: (nervous at the prospect of deciphering the insik accent) hi KK! how k-k-k-can i help you?

caller: my email address is chanchu at company dot com.
me: please verify if i have spelled that correctly, that's c-h-a-n-c-h-u at company dot com?
caller: no, that's c-h-a-n-chu. one- chu. as in number chu!

caller: i need the sheet for this class.
me: oh, the one you faxed BUCK to us?

and i'll show you how they do it:

phone rings (at about 3AM):
blue: (bolted back from sleepy-land) thank you SO MUCH for calling teradyne...
(perhaps, she really meant thank you for waking me up...how can i help you? =p)

rings (at about 4:30AM)
yellow: red, tedd from jabil is on the other line. he needs technical support.
(transferring call)
red: hi jabil! red here from tech support.
(yellow shouts in the background)
yellow: that's TEDD! TEDD from Jabil, the company!
red: (resumes conversation)..uh huh..yes, tedd...

rings (at about 5:30 AM)
black: (wrapping up the call) thank you for working! have a nice day!

the owls always have those slumberland-setbacks, and i totally empathize. but see how marvelously hilarious they could be when provoked?

p.s. yeah, we are colorful people *wink*wink*

meanwhile, the lark's abode has proven to have a few perks of its own. we discovered that we can turn the place into whatever fantasyland we want. and so far, we have managed two: a children's party and a picnic!

he was a celebrant, but he was no longer a child.

so he posed with a kid instead

si manager ay ende tsaynes!

si natalie? nephtalie diay..hehe

o, trademark smile ni classmate cheddy!

i tawt a taw a putty tat!

how do you set up a picnic inside an airconditioned room?

we'll show you...

it's never a picnic without food

it's bananas!

b-a-n-a-n-as!

oh,im never good at balancing!!

lilah and shawee...getting comfy!

almost done now...

let's eat! let's eat!

they say, there are moments that make you say "i could not ask for more".

but in my case? what else can i say (i couldn't help it anyway), but- MORE!

the world must be mad

2006-07-18T12:54:00.000+08:00

another tsunami has struck, this time at Java, Indonesia. i am terribly sad for the people who had to go through the terrible ordeal.

lebanon and israel struck war against each other.

and here at the office, a lot of people are sensing they are on the way to the Nazi gas chamber. must be world war 3- 10.

i am not sure what the tiny speck of me stands for in all these.

suddenly, i feel tired.

say yes to "pirates"!

2006-07-17T11:38:00.000+08:00

it's all the compass' fault.

if you haven't seen Dead Man's Chest (Pirates of the Caribbean), then you better stop reading this blog right now and head to the cinemas!

i am in love with Captain Jack Sparrow!

he is:
witty
clumsy
arrogant
rough and bad
amazingly good
a tease
sweet (he so suck at romantic lines)
mysterious
hilarious
outrageous
dirty (demn talks and appears like it!)
stubborn
brave for his own good (to the point of leaving the Black Pearl)
(and most importantly) Johnny Depp!

aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

but although i love the femme-fatale/damsel-in-distress that is elizabeth, i could not let her want my captain, and have my captain want her in turn!

no! no! noooooo!

but the compass is said to point at the thing one wants the most!

on that beautiful island, elizabeth should be right in exclaiming: "the compass is not working!", when she saw it point towards the captain. she has to be!

else, that would explain why, upon seeing the compass while fleeing, the cowardly captain returned to the Black Pearl despite it being attacked by the enormous Cracken. or it could mean that the captain wants to keep his beloved ship, and not because elizabeth was in it?

but no matter the sensibility, i want the captain in his ship. not in elizabeth's arms! especially when william turner is all mighty and brave in doing everything for the love of her!

ahhh...but although my captain failed to secure davy jones' heart (and the glory of controlling him and his monster), my heart is his to bask upon (including the glory of controlling me and the monster in me...hahaha!).

if only he wasn't munched to pieces by that giant mouth with tentacles!

i did not expect to hear my jaw drop when the movie ended. i was like: what?!! i have to wait another year to see my beloved captain reclaim his glory?!!

i am definitely watching the next installment!

meanwhile,
staring
at
his alter-ego
will do for now!
yumyum!
hahaha!

rhetorics

elizabeth: it's real!
norrington: my God. you actually were telling the truth.
captain: i do that quite a lot. yet people are always surprised.

elizabeth: there will come a moment when you have the chance to do the right thing.
captain: i love those moments. i like to wave at them as they pass by.

all for none and none for all! =p

ex and the city

2006-07-16T22:39:00.000+08:00

Carrie: Why her?
Miranda: One word: Hubbell.
Charlotte: (gasps) Hubbell!
Carrie: Oh my God, Hubbell! It is! It is so Hubbell!
Samantha: Who's Hubbell?
Carrie: Hubbell! Robert "Hubbell" Redford in "The Way We Were"

Robert Redford is madly inlove with Barbra Streisand.

Charlotte: Katie!
Carrie: K-K-Katie!

But he can't be with her because she's too complicated. She has wild, curly hair. So he leaves her and marries this simple girl with straight hair.

Carrie: I'm having an epiphany. The world is made up of two types of women: the simple girls and the Katie girls. I'm a Katie girl. And where are our drinks?
Charlotte: I always, always cry at the last scene of that movie when she sees him in front of the hotel with his new wife.
Carrie: the simple girl...
Charlotte: she reaches up...
Carrie: smoothes his hair away,
Miranda: and she says to him:

Miranda and Charlotte: Your girl is lovely, Hubble.

Charlotte: and then the music comes in...

Memories...
like the corners of my mind
misty-water colored memories
of the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?
if we had the chance to do it all again
tell me, would we?

then i had a thought. maybe i didn't break Big. maybe the problem was, he couldn't break me. maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.

Carrie: Why wasn't it me?
Big: (hesitant) Carrie...
Carrie: No, seriously. I need to hear you say it. Come on, be a friend.
Big: I don't know. It just got so hard. And she's...
Carrie: Yeah...
(strokes his hair)
Carrie: Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.
Big: I don't get it.
Carrie: And you never did.

maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.

cryin'

2006-07-13T09:40:00.000+08:00

you!

i am tired of you
and the things i have to do with you and for you

i am tired of thinking about you
flirting with you
arguing with you
trying to impress you

i am tired of pretending i don't care when i do
i am tired altogether of caring for you

i am tired of the things that you do
sick of the things that you don't

i am tired of loving you
yet i hate hating you

so yes, i love you
but i am sick and tired of you

to the bones

tssssss...

leave
me
alone

go chill out with aerosmith

There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
'Cause me and them ways have parted
That kind of love was the killin' kind
Now listen
All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

Now there's not even breathin' room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we're makin' love
Must be one and the same

It's down on me
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
It's been on my mind
I gotta say
We're partners in crime
You got that certain something
What you give to me
Takes my breath away
Now the word out on the street
Is the devil's in your kiss
If our love goes up in flames
It's a fire I can't resist

I was cryin' when I met you
Now I'm tryin' to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin' just to get you
Now I'm dyin' cause I let you
Do what you do to me

'Cause what you got inside
Ain't where your love should stay
Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain't love
'Til you give your heart away

peek-at-bo

2006-07-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

okay..okay. bo has probably occupied more of this blog than most controversies in my life. but i can't help it if the pup (he's already a dog, but still looks like a puppy) gives me many reasons to post entries like this.

i am beginning to think Getto likes to take shots of bo!

his other mommy is as crazy about him as i.

and although they strike weird poses each time, you can just see the obvious affection between them.

see, bo bites her too!
hahaha

and she tries to scare him back. which of course, fails!

bo is rotten spoiled with his other mom.

but his relationship with me is quite ambivalent.

i am the tyrant to him at home. and the poor thing is easily intimidated at the (angry) tone of my voice.

but although the tyrannical moments make him shake with fright (i guess, i could be cruel at times), i can tell he looks forward to his daily bonding sessions with me.

i will let you in a secret: bo is scared of balloons.

and lovelyn loves to tease him with it. hahaha!

time after time

2006-07-06T05:59:00.000+08:00

The early bird catches the worm.
A stitch in time saves nine.
He who hesitates is lost.

We can't pretend we haven't been told.
We've all heard the proverbs,
heard the philosophers,
heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,
heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves.

We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug
until we can't anymore,
until we finally understand for ourselves
what Benjamin Franklin meant:

that knowing is better than wondering
that waking is better than sleeping
and that even the biggest failure
even the worst, intractable mistake
beats the hell out of never trying.

-Grey's Anatomy-

always a princess

2006-07-04T17:54:00.000+08:00

you know why shrek was a big hit? because the original princess fiona's birthday brings colorful American holiday parties!

happy birthday te leez!

you think you know jewit?

2006-07-04T06:46:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jewit!

Jewit is the traditional gift for a couple on their third wedding anniversary!
When jewit is swallowed, she will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
The first domain name ever registered was jewit.com!
If you lace jewit from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe!
Jewit is often used in place of milk in food photography, because milk goes soggy more quickly than jewit!
Jewit can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time!
Jewit is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.
While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as jewit.
It's bad luck for a flag to touch jewit.
Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat jewit'!

jewit can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time? wtf is that?!!

hahaha!

cleopatra sometimes dressed up as jewit. now i am pressured to live up to the name. how do you become a freaking royal trendsetter? sambadi staaaaaapppppp meeeeeeeeeehhhh....

hahaha!

the zahir

2006-07-03T14:09:00.000+08:00

i've been putting off telling wonderful stories i have personally stumbled upon the past few weeks.

because more stories are coming my way, i am having a hard time catching up.

i've just finished reading paolo coelho's the zahir.another masterpiece, i must say. and a true tearjerker at that.

the term Zahir has islamic roots that can be traced back to the eighteenth century. it begins with a glimpse or a passing thought (of something or someone), and could either end as holiness or madness.

it is not difficult to demonstrate love as some sort of zahir. because most of us do end up either crazy or revered when we chose to track its path. it is a delicious obsession.

i was once on this track. i am tempted to claim that i am obsessed with love and i wish that was all there is to it. alas! along the way to satisfying this insatiable craving, i discovered a lot more than just madness.

just like the narrator of this book, my zahir has been about recovering lost love.

like him, i discovered a desert of things that are both empty and full of life.

like him, i discovered, that things, which are truly meant for you, will end up in your hands no matter the times you refuse it.

that lessons come when you are ready for them, and all you have to do is pay attention, so you can read the signs and know your next step.

that the sky is blue even when it is gray because the color is still there above the clouds.

that we are all growing and changing in shape, correcting our weaknesses, carrying on despite not-so best solutions we act out on, so we can give honor to the things that are dear to us.

that in order to become what we are, we need to let go of what we have been.

that we are close to our mission on earth when what we are doing is touched with enthusiasm.

that only at moments when you have nothing to lose can you be capable of limitless love.

that when we try to control love, it destroys us. when we try to imprison it, it enslaves us.when we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.

that absolute love is meant to flow through us, then from us, so it can go back to us.

that love is an energy we can not manipulate because it is free and wild. that making it go to the direction we want will cause us desperation, frustration and disillusionment.

aber! unlike him, my zahir has no name- yet.

but my acomodador has occupied quite a lot of space within me. and i have been made to understand that love would still be revealed to me in different channels.

i know there will be times i will get crazy, and will sound mad, but i look forward to that holy state this journey will finally conclude on.

coelho is a triumph in progress.

suredo

2006-06-30T08:00:00.000+08:00

still loving you

well i'll be DEEENGD.

hahaha!

P.S.

make sure to turn your speaker on when you visit the link!*wink*wink*

goof trip, food trip, laugh trip!

2006-06-29T12:39:00.000+08:00

i feel like i just came from a very long vacation.

tami and lowee dropped by, after officiating games in tacloban. we got together and spent three days of laughing our heads off.

i took them to K1 for videoke on their first night. it has been quite a while since i've been onstage with these guys, this was as close as a jamming in the Combo room we could get here.

caprice, tami's cousin was a newbie to our laughing caprice. hahaha! but she blended quite well.

we took more videos than pictures. i could've brought a recorder with me so i can capture our attempts to chorale-ise songs. how i miss doing rounds of blending voices. music to my ears!

we had late dinner at AA's and don't be surprised if we documented this as well. haha!

the next day, i took them to Don Henrico's for some food trip (yet again hahaha!)

it's always a wonder to eat with barako boys. their appetite is just contagious. they eat with all their hearts (and all their mouths) that you can't help but join (you'll never beat them!). boy, this guy can eat! haha! i miss these kinds of moments.

caprice had to leave early that day as her mom was in the hospital. i took the boys to timezone and once again goofed our heads off!

i introduced them to this pokpok game (where you are asked to hit insects of your choice on some sorta touch-screen to be able to score) and it was an instant hit. anger management proponents should really consider this as a surefire way of releasing tension!

we were all hooked!

we tried shooting, basketball, bowling, some modified hockey-like game, and other weird ball games i can only describe to you by mental telepathy. or maybe these pics will do.

some games would give out timezone tickets for each satisfactory score you obtain.

we won 137 tickets all in all.

and traded them with these cute mementos.

i know they wouldn't probably cost much when sold on stalls, but the goofy, sweaty faces (of us three) we can associate with them are just priceless.

i took them to the park behind the mall. and got some really gorgeous shots.

i was exhausted by the end of the night. tami spent the night in the apartment and we had our usual no-nonsense talk in the morning. it's amazing how we can still bond, despite my awkward position (or the lack thereof). (tami is my ex's brother =p)

i took him to his nephew (my chocolaitey buddy ewok!) and took videos and photos for his family in msu. the little guy was too uncomfortable around his uncle. but i managed to get a few minutes of his wawing-like faces. (wawing is ewok's uncle, the prettier version of mr.bean)

we watched superman before they got on the ship.

they are probably back on the campus right now. while i am still struggling from hangover out of that little trip to hilarity lane, goofyness, all that food, that little bit of lingering awkwardness in meeting a bunch of their family as you-know-who's ex, and all those modified deja-vus.

getting over exes is chicken. getting over these boys? well, it'll need hundreds of buffalos. why the analogy? i don't know.

hahaha!

i love chito!

2006-06-26T08:41:00.000+08:00

The OrderTaker
Parokya ni Edgar feat. Kamikaze

Waiter! Pa order naman ako ng porkchop!
at tsaka ng dalawa ngang kanin!
lagyan mo narin ng konting ketchup!
meron ba kayong chopsuey? (wala po!)
meron ba kayong adobo? (wala rin po!)
meron ba kayong bulalo? (ubos na po!)
meron bang kahit ano? (wala!) wala!
Hoy! wala na bang mo-oh!
wala na bang maorder maorder
shet! meron ngang menu wala namang maorder o waiter
sana naman
may siopao man lamang o burger
paorder! paorder! paorder!
waiter na gwapito ano bang meron dito?
waiter na gwapito meron bang
chicken mami
longsi tosi at tapsi
pansit lugaw at lomi
tokwa't baboy pares! beef!
fried siomai
gutom na talaga ako!
tanginang karinderia wala man lamang merienda

got cha!

2006-06-23T10:32:00.000+08:00

maybe i know them, maybe not.

but are they aware that they were staring at me?

for (Morrie-like) adults only

2006-06-16T14:41:00.000+08:00

i told you i would not squeak

i will only squeal

eyes-see stares

2006-06-16T13:02:00.000+08:00

you keep on staring at me. and i can't help but wonder.

is there something on my face?
is my hair frizzy?
are my alien features poking out of me?

but then again, i am hundred percent sure, i don't have bad hair day everyday. and i have mastered camouflaging.

you're lucky you are cute though. you are spared from my killer glares.

i don't mind enduring your daring stares, and your checking-on-me glances. and i don't mind speaking to you through our eyes.not at all.

and then again, one wonders - what do we say, when we say nothing at all?

timone and pumba

2006-06-13T11:26:00.000+08:00

how did you get up there bo?

my baby's all grown-up and posing like simba

how did you ever learn to balance like that?

as of today

2006-06-12T13:46:00.000+08:00

school

the department has imposed that we need to maintain a grade point average of at least 1.7 (or 88%) to be retained in the MA program.

has it not occurred to them that requiring all MA graduates to be cum laudes is really way too good to be feasible, if not far-fetched?

nevertheless, it still means that i need to burn the brows again. talk about pressure.

work

today is my first day in the morning shift.

i will miss the threesome sessions with master jhedi and stevie bee.
and watching homeboy and game ka na ba?
and sleeping til noon.
and doing vocalization and/or singing in my cube (i can only do this when the regular office people have gone home).

but i will not miss the late-night rides and possibly sitting with a drunk in a public vehicle.

i do look forward to "life-after-office-hours (LAOH)" in the afternoon.
and sleeping early.
and watching my favorite primetime shows.

but i dread waking up during dawn.
and the school papers to come.

Bo

i've been wanting to share this special clip i caught of Bo and me bonding (me giving him a massage). the big puppy looks hilariously cute! hahaha!

enjoy...

the nation

they have raised the Philippine flag in the posts of the bridges in Mactan. i was beginning to wonder if they had raised it too early for the ASEAN summit in December.

turns out, i have become disoriented in an unpatriotic manner.

today's our independence day. i couldn't have cared if it is not a holiday. bad.

but the double pay today is definitely a good thing.

bad bad.

i have to go now.

day 1 for LAOH.

=)

there's no other way but be 1

2006-06-12T09:55:00.000+08:00

im so sick of love songs
so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here

why i can't relate?

because i will never get sick of love songs.

i've no time to cry. and even if i do, i welcome it's relief.

wishing him back defies the thought of still wanting him because he will never be the man i would want him to be.

or maybe, this is a so-so-rationalization.

but i can never turn off the radio. it has to play always. even in my thoughts. my daydreams. even when im asleep.

why drool over me when you have her?

commited guys who keep on straying my way make me sick.

when friendships seem to waiver

2006-06-09T19:42:00.000+08:00

it's weird that just when i thought of sharing how i already miss this particular friend, sheng would thought of actually blogging the same story (from her own point of view).

i was not part of the powerpuff girls. but i would agree with most people in college, that they were an intimidating trio, partly because they were a weird ensemble but mainly because their group was a great representation of talents and brains.

to fast forward, two girls became my housemates and the other one got pregnant and should be married by now, if not on the way. i know it would be strange looking at us now if you had known how sheng and i didn't really get along so well, not because we didn't like each other, but because people loved to see us compete against the other. fate is really strange.

i got close to the other housemate before sheng and i even bonded. she used to call me her psychologist, maybe because i was uber-protective of her. her company is a mix of really screwed sense of humor, intellectual conversations, and ego-uplifting bitching sessions (which we express in jargons only we can understand) to people who tick us off. and then, in a blink of an eye, well...i wouldn't say it was gone. it just sort of stopped.

i am already used to people leaving me at some point of their lives (although i still desperately need therapy with my separation anxiety), but sheng's post kind of made me see how sad the situation really is. though i wouldn't call it bad, because even though we feel that way, i am really happy she has found for herself an object of happiness. it's just sad that we had to drift apart right before our very own eyes. and despite the fact that we do know how to salvage the friendship, we can't just do the things we are suppose to do. sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing. yet, i know, in this awkward situation, it is the only feasible thing to.

let her be.

there are pros to this event though. sheng and i have formed a genuine relationship independent of the influence of common friends. and at the same time, it is a lesson to be learned - how to let go just so we can hold on.

i miss her though. we all do. that's why we feel bad. sad. mad at some point. outings without her are still fun, but not the same. not without her schizophrenic-like antics, the unique catatonic poses, and the weird jargons we construe with her.

she's here yet not really. and yeah, we miss her...

im the queen of pretenses

2006-06-08T19:51:00.000+08:00

and natasha bedingfield has unearthed what i wouldn't show through this beautiful song...

I Bruise Easily

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

I bruise easily

and remind me to grab a copy of this wonderful album...and oh yeah, despite my tough exterior, do be gentle.

how i became nerd

2006-06-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

is still a mystery to me.

i would have to ask my mam if this scene looked familiar to her.

LOL!

LOL!

LOL!

CAUTION: Warning!!! This gets funnier (and cuter!) each time so playing this video over and over may cause stomachache.

you shouldn't have said it

2006-06-07T13:42:00.000+08:00

Who Knew
Pink

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

when I lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more... for someday I can love someone the way I loved you... but you will never be loved again the way that I did.

please don't ask me...

2006-06-03T12:23:00.000+08:00

i'd like to clarify that i am not as crazy as people think i am.

the rumors of me writing in a Music Newsletter is just plainly word of mouth. i am not going to learn to write and speak German. and no, i am not enrolling 12 units in the MA Clinical Psych Program this sem. and whoever said that i am working 8 hours for five days a week is a big, fat liar.

please.

im just a plain, boring nomad who doesn't have a social life, nor go out to do videokes, nor am i addicted to the beach and the blue waters, and surely, i do not have a lovelife.

okay. so maybe one or two items of the previous paragraph are rather factual than questionnable.

but, just give me a break, willya?!

some males are bitches

2006-06-02T19:54:00.000+08:00

i can't even afford to call them men. or guys. or boys.

they simply don't project the construct that commensurates the gender description. yes, they look like it, but they certainly don't act the part.

one plain evidence happened last night.

on board the office van, i commented about the rain and what that meant for me. i was talking to my friend. must have been rather loudly. but why would i care? i was talking to my friend.

and then out of the blue, he said aloud, "CHAR!" obviously reacting to my rather-loud-statements and teasing me en route the sarcastic street.

that was pushing the wrong button.

coincidentally, Cosmo's current edition featured an article on how to deal with bitches. and i can't help but think of that engineer.

and upon unloading this apalling encounter:

me: (department name here) has a lot of bitches, i so am not looking forward getting a ride in that van again.
him: real bitches huh? you were overpowered?
me: he's a male. so yes, i was overpowered.
him: bitches are female dogs.
me: exactly. they are dogs!

he barked! not to the wrong tree or to any tree at all. he just plainly barked!

and comparing him to a dog would be a shame! Bo behaves rather politely than him!

i did not bite the bait (though my mind was screaming "lash out!"). just to prove to everyone listening who was the bitch.

if he wasn't so dense (and i can bet on my profit share that he is), he'd get the point.

apparently, he's just a plain, stupid bitch! not a right at all to claim the stakes. not at all.

he was lucky i did not get a look at his face.

2006-05-31T19:49:00.000+08:00

i feel the itch again

2006-05-30T21:50:00.000+08:00

i wanna go to sumilon.

impossible is nothing

2006-05-26T20:24:00.000+08:00

hmmm...

quite a show